Go Fly A Kite...

Okay, so I promised to explain why he bought me a kite. Well, two of them actually; and I am hoping for some input on what it all means.

First, let me say that this happened some time ago. But due to a very busy life, and having been very sick for awhile, it has taken me some time to get back here to you.

For those of you that haven't figured it out yet, I go through cycles. (I generally refer to it as my insanity showing. *embarrassed face here*) I go through cycles of being totally and happily in love. This is how I feel MOST of the time. I feel loved and cherished and wanted and respected, and I feel that he makes great effort to prove to me that I am all of those things, despite our current "married man/other woman" relationship.

But, and this is a huge but (much like my ass, only with just one t *wink*), when he is gone too long, or our time together has been sporadic (always due to his job, not his marital relationship) I start to question how long I can be the "other" in his life. I question it, and I decide that I can't do it anymore, and I tell him just that.

The latest episode of me telling him that included an explanation of why. I told him that I am tired of us talking about the things we will do, and never having the time to do them. Don't get me wrong, we spend a lot of time together. Huge amounts of our free time are spent together. However, we do not have that much free time these days. Between his job, my two jobs, and the fact that he does occasionally have to show his face at his house and that he wants to spend time with his child, our time together is spent more on talking about the things we would like to do together rather than actually doing them!

I am not talking about big things, he is here with me for important things. He makes the time to be a part of the things like attending my children's school functions, he is always around on important dates like my birthday, or the kid's birthdays, or Valentine's Day and other assorted holidays (including his own birthday which he chooses to spend with me rather than at his house.)

I am talking about the little things like me wanting him to visit the local Aquarium with me, as I have lived here for two years now and have still not been; dining at a local hole in the wall restaurant that looks like he would hate it but I would love it. These are things we talk about doing together, but never seem to get around to.

When I was telling him that I simply couldn't do it anymore I suggested that our relationship was never going to be more than what it is now. I told him that I thought there was no hope for a real future with him, and that if that was the case then he simply needed to let me go. I told him that I want a full-time one on one relationship with him, and if that was not something that was likely to happen soon, then I needed to move on. I said that I am tired of talking about how he is going to teach me to fly a kite (something I had told him I had never learned and always wanted to do.) I told him that I need a man who is willing to promise me a future. A future where I am not an "other" but where I am the only. I told him that I needed a man who wanted a forever with me and me alone to teach me to fly a kite.

And when I said this, I told him goodbye.

He called me early the next morning. He told me he loved me. I told him that I never doubted his love, I simply doubted the strength of that love to be enough to make him want to do the things I need him to do. I told him again that I needed a man in my life who was capable of offering me a commitment. That I need and deserve a future, not just a now. I told him only a man who wants and is willing to provide me with that future is good enough for me anymore. I talked again about flying that damned kite, I told him that when he was capable of being the man who could offer me forever, that he could let me know, and that was it.

Now, I know it seems silly, that I got upset over learning to fly a kite. But the truth is, I did. It is something I have always wanted to do, and something he said he would teach me. Just like he is going to teach me to fish in the ocean (I have only fished in lakes and rivers, apparently fishing the ocean is different.) He is going to teach me to shoot a gun. He is going to teach me this, and that, and the other thing, only it never happens, because life gets in the way of our life together.

So having him tell me that he would teach me to fly a kite was just too much, at a time when I was already showing my insanity and missing him so much that I actually physically ache inside. It was just one more thing that proved to me that he was never going to be able to offer me all the things he says he wants to. And I broke.

He called me again that evening. I was chit-chatty and friendly. I asked how his day went, and he said it went well. He said he had called to tell me that he had bought a kite, two of them in fact, and that he wanted me to find someplace that we could go so he can teach me to fly them. I took that to mean he plans on being the man who will give me forever. I take him doing that to be his way of telling me that he is committed to our future. After all, that is what I told him it would mean to me, the man who would teach me to fly a kite.

Of course that was some time ago. The kites are still in their package. And so you probably think that means he was just doing/saying whatever I needed to hear to get me back in the relationship with him. I was starting to think so, too.

He came to me shortly after telling me that he would be the man who taught me to fly a kite. he brought me the kites and held me all night while we both cried, and he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine his life without me. (N0, for the skeptics, we did not have sex.)

Then I got sick, and he took good care of me. For three nights he babied me. He wiped the sweat from my forehead when I was fevered. he held me close and gave me my medicine. He fed me, made sure I drank plenty of fluids. He loved me, and willed me to get better.

We don't know what I had. The doctor never did figure it out, only could figure out what it wasn't. But, a round of a strong antibiotic and some steroids for my breathing, coupled with him loving me and I am much better. He got sent out of state for work. He was gone for three weeks.

I was starting to feel that buying the kites was just a way of convincing me he was serious about our relationship, when all he was really doing was leading me on a little longer. That is what i thought, until he called one night and told me that he has been gone too long. That we have been apart too much, and he needed to do something about it. He told me that when he got back from his working out of state he was going to take vacation and spend his vacation with me. He said that he misses me terribly and it is draining him to be away from me so much. He said he has to have time to teach me to fly that damned kite.

He got back from out of state a few days ago. He spent last night with me. He has to work in another town in the morning, so he is gone tonight. He will be back Friday. His vacation starts in a few days, I got time off of my work as well. We will both have the same vacation time. He will be teaching me to fly a kite.

That's all. Good Night!

So, I promised and update...

And then I got the flu?

The Plague?

Ebola?

Something horrible, which has me feeling that all will be well with the world again if only my head will just hurry up and explode!!!

My sweetheart has been taking care of me for three days. The AC in my apartment has been broken so he got us a motel room and cuddled me and rubbed my neck and wiped the sweat off of my fevered forehead for 3 days. he had to leave today as he works in a different town tomorrow. But he will be back as soon as he can. hopefully I will be feeling better by then.

Hopefully I will be well enough soon to really give you all an update. But for now.. That's all.

Wow...Has It Really Been So Long?

So, I haven't posted in a very long time. I didn't realize how long until today..

I know I promised to be back and then didn't come back for six months. But here I am again, promising to be back, and this time I intend to really be back to update you...

I have to get ready for work now, but know this...

I am still in love.

He is still in love.

We are no closer to resolving this relationship one way or another.

*sigh*

He bought some kites for us to fly, which will make perfect sense when I come back later and explain. Maybe you all will be able to help me figure out what he means by it all.

But for now, that's all.

P.S. He wasn't kissing her at midnight. He was on the phone with me, telling me how much he wished he was kissing me. (He was talking with me from well before midnight to well afterwards. *smile*)