Go Fly A Kite...

Okay, so I promised to explain why he bought me a kite. Well, two of them actually; and I am hoping for some input on what it all means.

First, let me say that this happened some time ago. But due to a very busy life, and having been very sick for awhile, it has taken me some time to get back here to you.

For those of you that haven't figured it out yet, I go through cycles. (I generally refer to it as my insanity showing. *embarrassed face here*) I go through cycles of being totally and happily in love. This is how I feel MOST of the time. I feel loved and cherished and wanted and respected, and I feel that he makes great effort to prove to me that I am all of those things, despite our current "married man/other woman" relationship.

But, and this is a huge but (much like my ass, only with just one t *wink*), when he is gone too long, or our time together has been sporadic (always due to his job, not his marital relationship) I start to question how long I can be the "other" in his life. I question it, and I decide that I can't do it anymore, and I tell him just that.

The latest episode of me telling him that included an explanation of why. I told him that I am tired of us talking about the things we will do, and never having the time to do them. Don't get me wrong, we spend a lot of time together. Huge amounts of our free time are spent together. However, we do not have that much free time these days. Between his job, my two jobs, and the fact that he does occasionally have to show his face at his house and that he wants to spend time with his child, our time together is spent more on talking about the things we would like to do together rather than actually doing them!

I am not talking about big things, he is here with me for important things. He makes the time to be a part of the things like attending my children's school functions, he is always around on important dates like my birthday, or the kid's birthdays, or Valentine's Day and other assorted holidays (including his own birthday which he chooses to spend with me rather than at his house.)

I am talking about the little things like me wanting him to visit the local Aquarium with me, as I have lived here for two years now and have still not been; dining at a local hole in the wall restaurant that looks like he would hate it but I would love it. These are things we talk about doing together, but never seem to get around to.

When I was telling him that I simply couldn't do it anymore I suggested that our relationship was never going to be more than what it is now. I told him that I thought there was no hope for a real future with him, and that if that was the case then he simply needed to let me go. I told him that I want a full-time one on one relationship with him, and if that was not something that was likely to happen soon, then I needed to move on. I said that I am tired of talking about how he is going to teach me to fly a kite (something I had told him I had never learned and always wanted to do.) I told him that I need a man who is willing to promise me a future. A future where I am not an "other" but where I am the only. I told him that I needed a man who wanted a forever with me and me alone to teach me to fly a kite.

And when I said this, I told him goodbye.

He called me early the next morning. He told me he loved me. I told him that I never doubted his love, I simply doubted the strength of that love to be enough to make him want to do the things I need him to do. I told him again that I needed a man in my life who was capable of offering me a commitment. That I need and deserve a future, not just a now. I told him only a man who wants and is willing to provide me with that future is good enough for me anymore. I talked again about flying that damned kite, I told him that when he was capable of being the man who could offer me forever, that he could let me know, and that was it.

Now, I know it seems silly, that I got upset over learning to fly a kite. But the truth is, I did. It is something I have always wanted to do, and something he said he would teach me. Just like he is going to teach me to fish in the ocean (I have only fished in lakes and rivers, apparently fishing the ocean is different.) He is going to teach me to shoot a gun. He is going to teach me this, and that, and the other thing, only it never happens, because life gets in the way of our life together.

So having him tell me that he would teach me to fly a kite was just too much, at a time when I was already showing my insanity and missing him so much that I actually physically ache inside. It was just one more thing that proved to me that he was never going to be able to offer me all the things he says he wants to. And I broke.

He called me again that evening. I was chit-chatty and friendly. I asked how his day went, and he said it went well. He said he had called to tell me that he had bought a kite, two of them in fact, and that he wanted me to find someplace that we could go so he can teach me to fly them. I took that to mean he plans on being the man who will give me forever. I take him doing that to be his way of telling me that he is committed to our future. After all, that is what I told him it would mean to me, the man who would teach me to fly a kite.

Of course that was some time ago. The kites are still in their package. And so you probably think that means he was just doing/saying whatever I needed to hear to get me back in the relationship with him. I was starting to think so, too.

He came to me shortly after telling me that he would be the man who taught me to fly a kite. he brought me the kites and held me all night while we both cried, and he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine his life without me. (N0, for the skeptics, we did not have sex.)

Then I got sick, and he took good care of me. For three nights he babied me. He wiped the sweat from my forehead when I was fevered. he held me close and gave me my medicine. He fed me, made sure I drank plenty of fluids. He loved me, and willed me to get better.

We don't know what I had. The doctor never did figure it out, only could figure out what it wasn't. But, a round of a strong antibiotic and some steroids for my breathing, coupled with him loving me and I am much better. He got sent out of state for work. He was gone for three weeks.

I was starting to feel that buying the kites was just a way of convincing me he was serious about our relationship, when all he was really doing was leading me on a little longer. That is what i thought, until he called one night and told me that he has been gone too long. That we have been apart too much, and he needed to do something about it. He told me that when he got back from his working out of state he was going to take vacation and spend his vacation with me. He said that he misses me terribly and it is draining him to be away from me so much. He said he has to have time to teach me to fly that damned kite.

He got back from out of state a few days ago. He spent last night with me. He has to work in another town in the morning, so he is gone tonight. He will be back Friday. His vacation starts in a few days, I got time off of my work as well. We will both have the same vacation time. He will be teaching me to fly a kite.

That's all. Good Night!

So, I promised and update...

And then I got the flu?

The Plague?

Ebola?

Something horrible, which has me feeling that all will be well with the world again if only my head will just hurry up and explode!!!

My sweetheart has been taking care of me for three days. The AC in my apartment has been broken so he got us a motel room and cuddled me and rubbed my neck and wiped the sweat off of my fevered forehead for 3 days. he had to leave today as he works in a different town tomorrow. But he will be back as soon as he can. hopefully I will be feeling better by then.

Hopefully I will be well enough soon to really give you all an update. But for now.. That's all.

Wow...Has It Really Been So Long?

So, I haven't posted in a very long time. I didn't realize how long until today..

I know I promised to be back and then didn't come back for six months. But here I am again, promising to be back, and this time I intend to really be back to update you...

I have to get ready for work now, but know this...

I am still in love.

He is still in love.

We are no closer to resolving this relationship one way or another.

*sigh*

He bought some kites for us to fly, which will make perfect sense when I come back later and explain. Maybe you all will be able to help me figure out what he means by it all.

But for now, that's all.

P.S. He wasn't kissing her at midnight. He was on the phone with me, telling me how much he wished he was kissing me. (He was talking with me from well before midnight to well afterwards. *smile*)

I am still alive...

Okay, so I am still alive. Just been doing a lot of thinking, and living, and I will be back soon to catch you all up. But tonight, I will be doing something other than focusing on the fact that at midnight his lips will not be on mine, and will most likely be kissing hers...

I wish I could hate him...

Okay, so he did call me back that evening. We just had idle chitchat, small talk. It was uncomfortable, something that rarely has been with us.

We talked until he pulled into his driveway. He told me he loved me. The next morning I was at work before he was awake. We didn't talk until evening. Again, small talk. I waited until he was close to home, and asked him if he had read my letter. He said he had not. He said he was scared to see what it said, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to still read it. I said I did. He had been believing that it was the same letter I have written so many times before. When he is gone too long, and I get too lonely where I say i can't see him anymore, but really never explain my feelings.

He finally read it. He asked, "What do we do now?"

The thing is, I don't know what we do now. I think I am going to tell him that the kindest thing he can do for me is to tell me straight out that he doesn't love me like that, never has, and never will. And then just let me go. I don't know if he will do what is kindest for me.

I doubt it.

He does love me, and he, like me, is selfish. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it hurts people we love. So I think that he will try very hard to stay in my life. And I don't know that I am strong enough to force him out. He will try to stay my lover, and failing that he will try to stay my friend. And we will probably end up right back where we started, and it will go on for awhile longer. And I am ashamed to admit that. I am even more ashamed to know that while he loves me enough to want very much to keep me in his life, he loves me too little to put my emotional wellbeing above his own.

I wish I could hate him....

That's all, goodnight.

Dear HIM, (part two)

Okay, so this is something like what the conversation went like when he called me at 6 am this morning.

"hello"
"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"
"not really"
"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"
"you didn't read it?"
"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."
"Oh."
"Is it the same kind of email i get every time we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"
Silence....

"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."
"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."
"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this every time I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."
Silence.
"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."
Silence.

"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."

Disconnect.

So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.
I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.

I called him back.

"Hey, I just need to say something."
"Okay."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."
INTERRUPTION (something he NEVER does.)
"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours during the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I am sorry. please continue..."
"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."
"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "
"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"
"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."
"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."
Silence.
Silence....

"I love you."
"I know."
"So what do we do?'
"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."
Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"
"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."
Silence...

We were both crying.

Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...

"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."
"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"
"You too, Baby.. I love you......."

I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, during his small bits of downtime, during the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.

Dear HIM,

I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.

I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.

But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.

I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.
I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.
I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.
I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.
I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.
I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.
I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.
I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.
I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.
I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.
I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.
I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.
I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.
I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.
I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.
I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.

HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I want to tell you I hate you.
I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.
I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.
I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.

But I can not say those things. They are not true.

The fact is I love you.
The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.
The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.