Fuck You, Jerry Maguire...

Okay, so we haven't seen each other in something like 19 or 20 days. It feels horrible.

It is made all the more horrible because it gives me time to think, and to realize that if HE really wanted to HE would have found a way to see me. HE has been working, a lot! But, where there is a will, there is a way, obviously there is no will.

HE calls me everyday. Several times a day, but that isn't enough for me.

This time apart (the longest we have been apart in a year) has given me time to come back to reality. Reality is that I need to remember my place in HIS life. My place is last.

I come after HIS work, after HIS family commitments, after HIM hanging out at home with HIS son, after barbecues with HIS family friends. I will always come after. And it makes me sad. And I deserve better. And I love HIM and I don't know what to do.

I know I should walk away. But I am weak, and without HIM I find it hard to smile, to relax... hell, without HIM I find it hard to breathe.

So how do I learn to live without HIM?

When I have a great day I want to share it with HIM. When I have a horrible day I want to vent it to HIM. When I have a sad day I want to lay in HIS arms and cry and feel safe and feel loved. And when HE is here and can do those things for me I feel incredibly loved, more loved than I have ever felt before. But when HE is gone and I am so all alone, I feel more alone than I have ever felt before and it is scary. It is a dark scary place to be.

I did not do myself any favors this weekend. I have been watching chick flicks, I mean really what was I thinking sitting here just now watching Jerry Maguire?

All it did was make me want to be loved like that. And I know I won't be. That is why I do not try to force HIM to choose between myself and HIS wife. I know I will lose. And I am so broken and pathetic that I would rather have the small part of HIM that I get now, than none of HIM at all.

I don't want to be this broken anymore.

My eyes hurt from the tears. My throat hurts from choking back sobs so that my children do not know how thoroughly distraught I have become. I have to find my way out of this black hole of a relationship I have gotten myself into.

My friends have told me to start dating other men... What The Fuck??? What kind of advice is that? I know they mean well, but I think they just don't get it. If I could choose, I would spend the rest of my life with this man, loving only HIM, touching only HIM, kissing only HIM forever.

But the choice is not mine to make. It is HIS and HE has chosen BOTH, and as long as I allow it that will be HIS choice. So I am going to have to make another choice for HIM. I just wish I was strong enough to do it now.

I have become more distant, and I know HE feels it, but HE is not really saying much about it. I don't cry to HIM and say over and over that I love and miss HIM. I respond when HE says those things to me, but then and only then. I know you probably do not think that is much, but trust me, it is a huge step. Six months ago I would have emailed HIM 40 times in the last 20 days. I would have left HIM off lines, and voice mails several times a day. I am getting a little stronger, and perhaps if I learn that love like that only exists in movies and fairy tales I will someday be able to really move on.

Fuck You, Jerry Maguire!!! You didn't deserve her!!!

That's all... Bye!

Farther Away.... (Yes, I am stealing a song title, sue me!)

Okay, so HE is at home tonight. Not my home, HIS home. I know that is where HE lives, but I hate it when HE is there.

I am always left wondering. Is this the night HE will make love with HIS wife? Is this the night HE will decide that HE needs to fix HIS marriage and will cut me off without a word? Is this the night HE moves, farther away?

I have told HIM to do that, numerous times. To just let me go, and go fix whatever is broken.

It never lasts long. HE calls, or I call, and we both say "I love you" and we both mean it, and it starts all over again.

It looks like it will be another week before HE gets back here again. Time away from HIM feels like dying.

It makes my stomach ache. It makes my head hurt. It makes my heart feel like it has a huge hole in it.

What in the fuck am I doing?

I feel like such a failure.

I have failed to make the person I am in love with, love me enough in return.

What is wrong with me that I am not good enough?

I feel, diminished.

That's all, Goodnight.

The Phase...

Okay, so I haven't posted much lately. I guess that is because not a lot is going on right now.

Well, that is not necessarily the truth. A lot is going on right now, but all in my head.

I go through phases in this relationship. I am in "I am a horrible person" phase right now.

When I am like this, I beat myself up for being the other woman.

I remind myself how painful it was for me to find out time and again that my husband was cheating on me, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. But it still hurt.

Then the guilt kicks in, and I try to convince myself to just walk away. To cut off contact with HIM and never look back.

I cry a lot.

I hide a lot. I stop communicating with my friends, and I retreat into this dark place in my head.

Most times when I am in this phase I tell HIM that I just can't do it. That I am not built to be the OTHER woman, I want to be the ONLY woman. HE responds with "I love you." HE doesn't really know what else to say. HE is not ready to leave HIS marriage yet.

I know this. We have talked about it, and let us be clear, HE has NEVER said HE will leave HIS wife for me. HE feels a sense of obligation, duty, to see HIS family raised, and HE still has a son at home for a few more years.

I have asked if things would be different if that were not the case, if the kids were all grown and gone. HE has said HE thinks so. *shrug*

I don't know how much longer just thinking so will be enough for me. I WANT HIM to make me promises, but I am glad that HE respects me enough to not make promises HE doesn't know that HE can keep.

HE says HE knows when I will fall into this 'phase'. It is when HE has to be away from me for more than a day or two. I start to feel the emptiness with no idea when HE will be back, and the pain of that gets to me.

HE always says to me that if I choose to leave, it will break HIS heart, but HE would understand. That HE knows it is not fair for HIM to ask me to wait. That HE will spend the rest of HIS life missing me and regretting my loss. The rest of HIS life loving me.

I want HIM to love me so much that HE wouldn't understand, and would not be able to let me go. I don't know if HE realizes how painful it is each time HE says that to me.

This sucks. I am crying again. I will be back later.

That's all, bye.

Self-Discovery ~ The Amazing Journey

Okay, so I have been blogging again for just a few days. It feels good, knowing I have someplace I can go and just be me again, for a little while.

If I am sad, I can say that I am sad.

If I am angry, I can rant and rave and throw things against my blog walls and do it all without ever damaging anyone. I love that feeling of freedom.

I started this blog and named it The Life and Times of The Other Woman. But this is about far more than being a mistress. It is about me, all of me. The good, the bad, the downright twisted. It is about finding out who I am, and who I want to be. It is about all the little steps, and giant leaps I make in the process of reaching that goal.

I think almost all blogs are like that.

A mission of self-discovery.

A beautiful journey. A scary journey. An amazing journey. But one we are often afraid to make alone.

By blogging, we aren't alone. Other's read what we write, and decide to hold our hands as we walk down a path we would otherwise have to walk alone.

It helps. That feeling of community.

When you feel weak, your new friends lend you some strength. When you are sad, they lend you some joy.

I have been reading a few blogs religiously since I have started blogging again.

One is Ex Hot Girl written by Jenn.

The other is Did I Just Eat That Outloud? written by Sue.

Both are ostensibly about a journey through weight loss. But if you read beyond the numbers, you will find that, they too, are on a road to self-discovery. They are finding out who they are, behind the weight. As they shed the pounds, they are working on the emotions behind the weight gain. They are finding the REAL person that they tried to hide behind the pounds. I see it, even if they don't. And let me say here, they are doing beautifully! They both seem to me to have beautiful souls, and if they haven't figured that out yet, they soon will.

When I started this blog, I truly feared that I would be attacked verbally for my weaknesses. I mean, here I am openly saying that I am in love with another woman's husband. I am admitting to an ongoing affair. I came here in a last ditch effort to have a place to be honest, but I really didn't expect it to work.

I have been visiting a website called LoveShack.org which has a forum for people who are involved in extra marital affairs, supposedly for the OTHER to have a safe place to talk about what they are dealing with. I have sometimes found it helpful. But, the site is also frequented by the BS (betrayed spouses) who are often cruel and demeaning.

What a nice surprise for me that when I came here to blog, I VERY quickly met these two women who embraced me, and accepted me with all of my flaws. They can never know how much that means to me.

I am grateful to be on the path I am on. A path to find myself. A path to a better me. And how grateful I am to have such kind hearted people willing to walk next to me along the way.

That's all. Bye.

I Need to Read This Everyday...

"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination."

I just found this as someone's tag line. I have no clue who said it, or the context in which it was spoken, I only know that it spoke to me, and I need to read it everyday.

Today I Feel GORGEOUS....

Okay, so I had been having a bit of a blah day.

I have been very lonely for a few days. More so than usual.

My son went on a trip with his NJROTC group to a local military base. He has been gone since Wednesday morning, and didn't get home until about eight o'clock last night. He was exhausted, and ate, went to sleep, and was up and gone to church before I ever crawled out of bed this morning.

HE has been out of town working. HE visited Wednesday night after work for about an hour of hand holding and cuddling before HE had to head home and get some sleep because HE was heading out of town for work early the next morning. HE is still out of town. HE works very long hours, and is often gone for a week or more at a time, and when HE is gone I miss HIM. Terribly. (When I refer to HIM as being out of town, what I mean by that is that HE is not with me, nor is HE at HIS home with HIS wife. HE lives in a town about an hour and a half away from me.)

HE has been calling me, HE always does, as often as possible. If HE has five minutes during work, HE calls. On HIS way from the plant to the motel HE calls. HE showers, eats, and calls. We have more conversation on HIS out of town trips than we do when HE is here spending the nights with me. But, I still miss HIM like crazy.

Anyway, so that is where I have been. Missing the two men in my life terribly! My son, and HIM. And feeling well, BLAH!

And then I logged on to my blog and got a wonderful surprise! *insert a HUGE SMILEY FACE HERE*

I was awarded a Gorgeous Blogger Award.

If I had posted pictures of myself and received this award it probably would not have meant nearly as much to me. But I haven't, at least none where you see my face. So, that means someone thinks my "soul" is gorgeous! Because that is what people see when they read my blog. They see my soul. And I am honored to receive this! THANK YOU, SUE!!! You have made my day!

I feel even more honored because it came from someone whose soul I think is beautiful based on the little bit of her life and thought processes I have seen reading her blog.





I have never gotten a blog award before, so I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it. I read her page and it seems that I am supposed to tell six random things about myself... hmm... okay...





1.) I grew up in Los Angeles, lived for far too long in Iowa, and finally have ended up in North Carolina. I like it here, I think I will stay.





2.) I have three living children. I am however a mother of five. I suffered a midterm miscarriage with my first child, and my 11 year old is the survivor of a set of identical twins. My daughter passed away when she was two days old. You can read the story here. I have had a few other VERY early term miscarriages. They were so early that the pregnancy was not confirmed by a doctor, only a home test, and by the time I got to the doctor, the pregnancy had already spontaneously ended. I struggle sometimes how to answer when people ask the question of "How many kids" I have.





3.) I love cheesecake! Strawberry cheesecake! (yes, I needed to try to lighten the mood a bit)





4.) I love pampering the man in my life, and I have found that the more I pamper HIM, the more HE wants to pamper me! I wish I had learned this trick much earlier in life. I always thought men wanted a self-reliant, self-confident, strong EQUAL! I mean, that is what all the women projected in the 80's when I was an impressionable young girl. BE STRONG, BE INDEPENDENT. Who knew that the man that I would fall in love with would be the one who wants me to be the feminine little flower I have always wanted to be treated like! I like having my doors opened for me! I like that HE wants to lead, because deep down, I want to follow! And by having such clearly defined masculine/feminine roles in our relationship, we both get exactly what we want. I adore HIM, and because of my adoration, HE in turn adores me! WIN/WIN!





5.) I give GREAT advice to other people, but I am HORRIBLE at accepting advice from others. I know this. But I seem powerless to change it. And I recently found a quote that I now use as my mantra about advice.... "Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey." It is from the book The Ten Thousand.





6.) I sleep naked, sometimes I blog naked, sometime I even cook naked or clean the house naked! I do this because even though I am not happy with my body right now, (I have about 50-60 pounds I would love to lose) I still have between 70 to 80 pounds that are GONE for good, and I am working on being comfortable in my own skin, NOTHING but my own skin. I spent so many years feeling so completely disgusting, that I am trying to relearn just being okay with being naked alone!! Getting used to walking around the house naked makes it easier for me to get up out of bed with HIM and just walk to the bedroom door without feeling the need to cover myself from head to toe so HE doesn't see me!





Okay, that was six things, and now in the spirit of the whole "gorgeous" award, here is a picture of me in a moment that I felt beautiful....




There are pictures of me that I LOOK better in, but that was a WONDERFUL day, and I FELT beautiful that day! *smile*

Now I have to pick seven bloggers that I think are gorgeous... Hmmmm... I will be back with that part of the assignment.... That's all for now, Bye!!!

The Lies We Tell Ourselves...

Okay, so I started rereading my "old" blog. It really was a good thing for me back then, to blog. I am hoping that it is a good thing for me now, as well. But, I also see, looking back, how much I lied to myself (and my readers) especially in the beginning. Hell, my first few posts (about my relationship with my now ex-husband) were so much happy horseshit that I wanted to gag when I reread them.

Back then, I was trying to convince myself and anyone who would listen that I was okay. That my marriage was okay. But reading it now you see how quickly my marriage dissolved once I started to gain some of myself again. (After the night I spoke with HIM and decided that I didn't want to die.)

But even in my anger, I was still protecting my husband. Or myself. Or maybe both of us.

I didn't admit to the physical abuse in our marriage. In fact, I even denied it in at least one post. I think that I told that lie for a few reasons.

One was, I was ashamed.

Two was, even though I thought I wanted out of my marriage, I was still trying to fix it, and admitting to the physical abuse seemed like the step I couldn't come back from.

Three was, he is the father of my children, and while I was hurt, and scared and angry, and was verbal about those feelings, I did not want to admit that the man I chose to father my children would do THAT.

Four was, I had spent so many years "protecting" my husband from the consequences of the choices he made, that I was still protecting him. We had family friends that read my blog. I was trying to reach out to them in my pain, but could not find it within myself to be completely honest about how bad it was.

Five was, I did not want to admit to HIM that I was being physically abused. I was honest to a fault about everything else. But I was afraid HE would think less of me knowing I had accepted 14 years of mental, emotional AND physical abuse. I thought it made me look weak.

I am no longer ashamed of that. It was NOT MY FAULT. It was not my brokenness . It was my husband's broken soul that caused him to abuse me. It was his failure as a man that he abused me, not my failure as a woman.

What IS my fault, is that I started my affair, at least the EMOTIONAL affair before I left my marriage for good. I take all the blame for that. But I was HONEST about that with my husband.

I have been writing about the back story, and I will continue to do that. But for those of you with a lot of time on your hands who want to see a LOT of it played out in real time, you can feel free to visit my old blog and read all about it.

I have promised myself to be more honest this time around.

When I have a feeling I will feel it. Out in the open. ALL of it.

I got better about that in my old blog as I grew INTO ME, but then I had to start censuring myself again because my husband was regularly reading my blog and using it to hurt me, track my life, cyber-stalk me.

My ex doesn't know about THIS blog. I used a different email account. This one is just for me. I have told My MM (Married Man) that I am blogging again. HE used to follow my blog daily. But, I told HIM I don't want HIM reading this one. This one is for me, if I thought HE was reading it, I would probably not be as honest as I can be knowing that HE is not.

HE will respect that.

And so, in order for me to get completely honest with not only you, my readers, but also MYSELF, to claim back that part of me I lost while lying about the physical abuse I suffered, I want to say...

I WAS AN ABUSED WOMAN.

I MADE MISTAKES, BUT NOTHING I DID MADE IT OKAY FOR MY HUSBAND TO BEAT ME.

HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME, IT WAS HIS JOB AS A MAN, AS MY HUSBAND TO PROTECT ME. AND RATHER THAN DO THAT, HE USED HIS STRENGTH TO HURT ME... MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

Here are some pictures that were taken after the last time he abused me. The bruises were more than five days old by the time these were taken. I will not protect him from what he has done anymore. I do not care if you think he was a bad man. He was. He is. Because he is still unwilling to accept responsibility for what he did to me.

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These are NOT the worst it has ever been, this is a very mild example of what happened to me regularly in my marriage. By the time those photos were taken the bruises on my neck from him choking me were too faded to photograph. My son took those photos. It was his idea. He said he wanted me to have proof of what his dad did to me. That makes me sad.

That's all, Goodnight.