Okay, so I have taken a very long time off of blogging. And now that I am back, I have started an all new blog, with a whole new spin. Why? Simple. Because my life has changed so much since I last blogged. And I have become something I never imagined I would be. I have become "The Other Woman".
It is not something I am proud of. It leaves me less than fulfilled. It leaves me feeling sad, and lonely, and "less than". It leaves me alone, and struggling to find my moral center again. So why do I keep doing it? Perhaps because I am weak. Perhaps because I keep hoping that he will wake up one day and realize that I am the woman he belongs with for the rest of his life. Perhaps because I am perfecting the art of denial. But mostly I think, because I love him, and i have never been any good at letting go of love.
Love is something I have always longed for, and never really known until HIM. Maybe I am fooling myself with that as well. I mean, if he REALLY loves me, he would be with me. Right?
I am often left feeling confused after spending time with him. I go over and over in my head why I choose to stay in this affair. It is not my nature to be what I have become. I am monogamous by nature, and I have always expected monogamy from my partners. I am morally conflicted. I feel like a thief. I steal from his wife. I steal his time, his affection, his passion, his compassion, his smiles, and anything else he offers me. I take them all gratefully, until he is gone again, and the shame hits me again. But, I know that every bit of himself that he gives to me, is less of himself he has to give to her. How horrible am I? How I would hate me, if I were her!
I know I want more. I want what he has never, nor will ever offer to me.
I need to let go, but I fear I do not have the strength to do it.
I am however taking small steps in the right direction.
I am here.
I am thinking.
I am trying to find myself again. (I amaze myself with how easily I lose myself in other people... a weakness I MUST learn to overcome.)
I will figure this out.
I will come out the other side of this, despite the ending, with my head held high, and having learned and grown from the experience.