I am still alive...

Okay, so I am still alive. Just been doing a lot of thinking, and living, and I will be back soon to catch you all up. But tonight, I will be doing something other than focusing on the fact that at midnight his lips will not be on mine, and will most likely be kissing hers...

I wish I could hate him...

Okay, so he did call me back that evening. We just had idle chitchat, small talk. It was uncomfortable, something that rarely has been with us.

We talked until he pulled into his driveway. He told me he loved me. The next morning I was at work before he was awake. We didn't talk until evening. Again, small talk. I waited until he was close to home, and asked him if he had read my letter. He said he had not. He said he was scared to see what it said, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to still read it. I said I did. He had been believing that it was the same letter I have written so many times before. When he is gone too long, and I get too lonely where I say i can't see him anymore, but really never explain my feelings.

He finally read it. He asked, "What do we do now?"

The thing is, I don't know what we do now. I think I am going to tell him that the kindest thing he can do for me is to tell me straight out that he doesn't love me like that, never has, and never will. And then just let me go. I don't know if he will do what is kindest for me.

I doubt it.

He does love me, and he, like me, is selfish. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it hurts people we love. So I think that he will try very hard to stay in my life. And I don't know that I am strong enough to force him out. He will try to stay my lover, and failing that he will try to stay my friend. And we will probably end up right back where we started, and it will go on for awhile longer. And I am ashamed to admit that. I am even more ashamed to know that while he loves me enough to want very much to keep me in his life, he loves me too little to put my emotional wellbeing above his own.

I wish I could hate him....

That's all, goodnight.

Dear HIM, (part two)

Okay, so this is something like what the conversation went like when he called me at 6 am this morning.

"hello"
"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"
"not really"
"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"
"you didn't read it?"
"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."
"Oh."
"Is it the same kind of email i get every time we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"
Silence....

"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."
"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."
"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this every time I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."
Silence.
"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."
Silence.

"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."

Disconnect.

So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.
I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.

I called him back.

"Hey, I just need to say something."
"Okay."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."
INTERRUPTION (something he NEVER does.)
"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours during the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I am sorry. please continue..."
"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."
"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "
"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"
"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."
"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."
Silence.
Silence....

"I love you."
"I know."
"So what do we do?'
"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."
Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"
"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."
Silence...

We were both crying.

Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...

"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."
"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"
"You too, Baby.. I love you......."

I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, during his small bits of downtime, during the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.

Dear HIM,

I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.

I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.

But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.

I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.
I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.
I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.
I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.
I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.
I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.
I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.
I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.
I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.
I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.
I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.
I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.
I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.
I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.
I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.
I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.

HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I want to tell you I hate you.
I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.
I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.
I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.

But I can not say those things. They are not true.

The fact is I love you.
The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.
The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.

Fuck You, Jerry Maguire...

Okay, so we haven't seen each other in something like 19 or 20 days. It feels horrible.

It is made all the more horrible because it gives me time to think, and to realize that if HE really wanted to HE would have found a way to see me. HE has been working, a lot! But, where there is a will, there is a way, obviously there is no will.

HE calls me everyday. Several times a day, but that isn't enough for me.

This time apart (the longest we have been apart in a year) has given me time to come back to reality. Reality is that I need to remember my place in HIS life. My place is last.

I come after HIS work, after HIS family commitments, after HIM hanging out at home with HIS son, after barbecues with HIS family friends. I will always come after. And it makes me sad. And I deserve better. And I love HIM and I don't know what to do.

I know I should walk away. But I am weak, and without HIM I find it hard to smile, to relax... hell, without HIM I find it hard to breathe.

So how do I learn to live without HIM?

When I have a great day I want to share it with HIM. When I have a horrible day I want to vent it to HIM. When I have a sad day I want to lay in HIS arms and cry and feel safe and feel loved. And when HE is here and can do those things for me I feel incredibly loved, more loved than I have ever felt before. But when HE is gone and I am so all alone, I feel more alone than I have ever felt before and it is scary. It is a dark scary place to be.

I did not do myself any favors this weekend. I have been watching chick flicks, I mean really what was I thinking sitting here just now watching Jerry Maguire?

All it did was make me want to be loved like that. And I know I won't be. That is why I do not try to force HIM to choose between myself and HIS wife. I know I will lose. And I am so broken and pathetic that I would rather have the small part of HIM that I get now, than none of HIM at all.

I don't want to be this broken anymore.

My eyes hurt from the tears. My throat hurts from choking back sobs so that my children do not know how thoroughly distraught I have become. I have to find my way out of this black hole of a relationship I have gotten myself into.

My friends have told me to start dating other men... What The Fuck??? What kind of advice is that? I know they mean well, but I think they just don't get it. If I could choose, I would spend the rest of my life with this man, loving only HIM, touching only HIM, kissing only HIM forever.

But the choice is not mine to make. It is HIS and HE has chosen BOTH, and as long as I allow it that will be HIS choice. So I am going to have to make another choice for HIM. I just wish I was strong enough to do it now.

I have become more distant, and I know HE feels it, but HE is not really saying much about it. I don't cry to HIM and say over and over that I love and miss HIM. I respond when HE says those things to me, but then and only then. I know you probably do not think that is much, but trust me, it is a huge step. Six months ago I would have emailed HIM 40 times in the last 20 days. I would have left HIM off lines, and voice mails several times a day. I am getting a little stronger, and perhaps if I learn that love like that only exists in movies and fairy tales I will someday be able to really move on.

Fuck You, Jerry Maguire!!! You didn't deserve her!!!

That's all... Bye!

Farther Away.... (Yes, I am stealing a song title, sue me!)

Okay, so HE is at home tonight. Not my home, HIS home. I know that is where HE lives, but I hate it when HE is there.

I am always left wondering. Is this the night HE will make love with HIS wife? Is this the night HE will decide that HE needs to fix HIS marriage and will cut me off without a word? Is this the night HE moves, farther away?

I have told HIM to do that, numerous times. To just let me go, and go fix whatever is broken.

It never lasts long. HE calls, or I call, and we both say "I love you" and we both mean it, and it starts all over again.

It looks like it will be another week before HE gets back here again. Time away from HIM feels like dying.

It makes my stomach ache. It makes my head hurt. It makes my heart feel like it has a huge hole in it.

What in the fuck am I doing?

I feel like such a failure.

I have failed to make the person I am in love with, love me enough in return.

What is wrong with me that I am not good enough?

I feel, diminished.

That's all, Goodnight.

The Phase...

Okay, so I haven't posted much lately. I guess that is because not a lot is going on right now.

Well, that is not necessarily the truth. A lot is going on right now, but all in my head.

I go through phases in this relationship. I am in "I am a horrible person" phase right now.

When I am like this, I beat myself up for being the other woman.

I remind myself how painful it was for me to find out time and again that my husband was cheating on me, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. But it still hurt.

Then the guilt kicks in, and I try to convince myself to just walk away. To cut off contact with HIM and never look back.

I cry a lot.

I hide a lot. I stop communicating with my friends, and I retreat into this dark place in my head.

Most times when I am in this phase I tell HIM that I just can't do it. That I am not built to be the OTHER woman, I want to be the ONLY woman. HE responds with "I love you." HE doesn't really know what else to say. HE is not ready to leave HIS marriage yet.

I know this. We have talked about it, and let us be clear, HE has NEVER said HE will leave HIS wife for me. HE feels a sense of obligation, duty, to see HIS family raised, and HE still has a son at home for a few more years.

I have asked if things would be different if that were not the case, if the kids were all grown and gone. HE has said HE thinks so. *shrug*

I don't know how much longer just thinking so will be enough for me. I WANT HIM to make me promises, but I am glad that HE respects me enough to not make promises HE doesn't know that HE can keep.

HE says HE knows when I will fall into this 'phase'. It is when HE has to be away from me for more than a day or two. I start to feel the emptiness with no idea when HE will be back, and the pain of that gets to me.

HE always says to me that if I choose to leave, it will break HIS heart, but HE would understand. That HE knows it is not fair for HIM to ask me to wait. That HE will spend the rest of HIS life missing me and regretting my loss. The rest of HIS life loving me.

I want HIM to love me so much that HE wouldn't understand, and would not be able to let me go. I don't know if HE realizes how painful it is each time HE says that to me.

This sucks. I am crying again. I will be back later.

That's all, bye.