Okay, so I haven't posted much lately. I guess that is because not a lot is going on right now.
Well, that is not necessarily the truth. A lot is going on right now, but all in my head.
I go through phases in this relationship. I am in "I am a horrible person" phase right now.
When I am like this, I beat myself up for being the other woman.
I remind myself how painful it was for me to find out time and again that my husband was cheating on me, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. But it still hurt.
Then the guilt kicks in, and I try to convince myself to just walk away. To cut off contact with HIM and never look back.
I cry a lot.
I hide a lot. I stop communicating with my friends, and I retreat into this dark place in my head.
Most times when I am in this phase I tell HIM that I just can't do it. That I am not built to be the OTHER woman, I want to be the ONLY woman. HE responds with "I love you." HE doesn't really know what else to say. HE is not ready to leave HIS marriage yet.
I know this. We have talked about it, and let us be clear, HE has NEVER said HE will leave HIS wife for me. HE feels a sense of obligation, duty, to see HIS family raised, and HE still has a son at home for a few more years.
I have asked if things would be different if that were not the case, if the kids were all grown and gone. HE has said HE thinks so. *shrug*
I don't know how much longer just thinking so will be enough for me. I WANT HIM to make me promises, but I am glad that HE respects me enough to not make promises HE doesn't know that HE can keep.
HE says HE knows when I will fall into this 'phase'. It is when HE has to be away from me for more than a day or two. I start to feel the emptiness with no idea when HE will be back, and the pain of that gets to me.
HE always says to me that if I choose to leave, it will break HIS heart, but HE would understand. That HE knows it is not fair for HIM to ask me to wait. That HE will spend the rest of HIS life missing me and regretting my loss. The rest of HIS life loving me.
I want HIM to love me so much that HE wouldn't understand, and would not be able to let me go. I don't know if HE realizes how painful it is each time HE says that to me.
This sucks. I am crying again. I will be back later.
That's all, bye.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
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What an awful situation...and I hope you find peace with it soon.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first visit to your blog, and I can't wait to go back and read your previous entries. I applaud your bravery in writing about your life.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. You're a very strong woman. YOU deserve absolute happiness without wondering about HER. This is a shitty situation...and I know a thing or 2 about shitty situations. Decisions suck. Being a "grown-up" sucks. But when you get to that "happy place" the journey will have been worth it and you'd do it again.
ReplyDeletePS obsessed with your blog
I read your blog and want to say you are a very intelligent articulate woman who deserves better. I am not judging you in anyway but I think marriage is a very sacred thing. This guy is cheating on his wife and he would probrably cheat on you too even if he did leave his wife. I was once in an abusive relationship and the best advice I ever got was from my mother. She said " How are you ever going to find a good guy when you are wasting your time with a bad one"? It was such a simple statement but she was so right! I am now happily married b/c I took her advice. Let this guy go. Love should lift you up not bring you down. Give yourself a chance to find a man that will love only you and add happiness to your life, not sadness. You deserve more.
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