Okay, so I haven't posted much lately. I guess that is because not a lot is going on right now.
Well, that is not necessarily the truth. A lot is going on right now, but all in my head.
I go through phases in this relationship. I am in "I am a horrible person" phase right now.
When I am like this, I beat myself up for being the other woman.
I remind myself how painful it was for me to find out time and again that my husband was cheating on me, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. But it still hurt.
Then the guilt kicks in, and I try to convince myself to just walk away. To cut off contact with HIM and never look back.
I cry a lot.
I hide a lot. I stop communicating with my friends, and I retreat into this dark place in my head.
Most times when I am in this phase I tell HIM that I just can't do it. That I am not built to be the OTHER woman, I want to be the ONLY woman. HE responds with "I love you." HE doesn't really know what else to say. HE is not ready to leave HIS marriage yet.
I know this. We have talked about it, and let us be clear, HE has NEVER said HE will leave HIS wife for me. HE feels a sense of obligation, duty, to see HIS family raised, and HE still has a son at home for a few more years.
I have asked if things would be different if that were not the case, if the kids were all grown and gone. HE has said HE thinks so. *shrug*
I don't know how much longer just thinking so will be enough for me. I WANT HIM to make me promises, but I am glad that HE respects me enough to not make promises HE doesn't know that HE can keep.
HE says HE knows when I will fall into this 'phase'. It is when HE has to be away from me for more than a day or two. I start to feel the emptiness with no idea when HE will be back, and the pain of that gets to me.
HE always says to me that if I choose to leave, it will break HIS heart, but HE would understand. That HE knows it is not fair for HIM to ask me to wait. That HE will spend the rest of HIS life missing me and regretting my loss. The rest of HIS life loving me.
I want HIM to love me so much that HE wouldn't understand, and would not be able to let me go. I don't know if HE realizes how painful it is each time HE says that to me.
This sucks. I am crying again. I will be back later.
That's all, bye.