Sunday, October 18, 2009

Farther Away.... (Yes, I am stealing a song title, sue me!)

Okay, so HE is at home tonight. Not my home, HIS home. I know that is where HE lives, but I hate it when HE is there.

I am always left wondering. Is this the night HE will make love with HIS wife? Is this the night HE will decide that HE needs to fix HIS marriage and will cut me off without a word? Is this the night HE moves, farther away?

I have told HIM to do that, numerous times. To just let me go, and go fix whatever is broken.

It never lasts long. HE calls, or I call, and we both say "I love you" and we both mean it, and it starts all over again.

It looks like it will be another week before HE gets back here again. Time away from HIM feels like dying.

It makes my stomach ache. It makes my head hurt. It makes my heart feel like it has a huge hole in it.

What in the fuck am I doing?

I feel like such a failure.

I have failed to make the person I am in love with, love me enough in return.

What is wrong with me that I am not good enough?

I feel, diminished.

That's all, Goodnight.


  1. I hate to see you are hurting tonight. I have been in your position before, so I can empathize.

    You are good enough. You are a beautiful, kind, compassionate woman, and you deserve someone who can give you ALL of his time. HE will never leave his wife and HE will continue to use you as long as you allow it. You have to make the decision to end your misery.

    Peace and blessings

  2. Truly, there is nothing that anyone can say at this point that you haven't already thought or that hasn't already been said. My remedy usually revolves around chocolate.

    Hugs and warm fuzzies,

  3. I'm so sorry that you feel this way. Any other words of comfort feel hollow, so I hope that tomorrow is a better day.


  4. Chin up lovely. Your blog is an inspiration in strength. I mentioned you in my last post.

  5. I love this song. One of my favorites. When I hear "a thief, a whore and a liar," it makes me cry. We all can relate to those feelings regardless of who we are. Don't worry, things will look up. <3

  6. I was a woman who had her husband "stolen" from me. I have three tiny boys (who were 3 months old at the time) and he is now married to HER. You.

    Your mistake is not "not being good enough". Your mistake is who you chose. You do have a choice. You have chosen someone who is someone else's FOREVER. No matter what you feel, you have no right to him. None. You CANNOT make him "love you enough" unless you both do it the right way. Until divorce papers are finalized, you will never be successful in creating a relationship with him, and it's unfair to her for you to work this way, as well as yourself. If you really put yourself in her shoes, you'll get a taste of the pain she will feel when she finds out. I nearly died. Keep that in mind - maybe that is a sobering enough thought.


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Abraham Lincoln
16th president of US (1809 - 1865)