Okay, so HE is at home tonight. Not my home, HIS home. I know that is where HE lives, but I hate it when HE is there.
I am always left wondering. Is this the night HE will make love with HIS wife? Is this the night HE will decide that HE needs to fix HIS marriage and will cut me off without a word? Is this the night HE moves, farther away?
I have told HIM to do that, numerous times. To just let me go, and go fix whatever is broken.
It never lasts long. HE calls, or I call, and we both say "I love you" and we both mean it, and it starts all over again.
It looks like it will be another week before HE gets back here again. Time away from HIM feels like dying.
It makes my stomach ache. It makes my head hurt. It makes my heart feel like it has a huge hole in it.
What in the fuck am I doing?
I feel like such a failure.
I have failed to make the person I am in love with, love me enough in return.
What is wrong with me that I am not good enough?
I feel, diminished.
That's all, Goodnight.