Okay, so we haven't seen each other in something like 19 or 20 days. It feels horrible.
It is made all the more horrible because it gives me time to think, and to realize that if HE really wanted to HE would have found a way to see me. HE has been working, a lot! But, where there is a will, there is a way, obviously there is no will.
HE calls me everyday. Several times a day, but that isn't enough for me.
This time apart (the longest we have been apart in a year) has given me time to come back to reality. Reality is that I need to remember my place in HIS life. My place is last.
I come after HIS work, after HIS family commitments, after HIM hanging out at home with HIS son, after barbecues with HIS family friends. I will always come after. And it makes me sad. And I deserve better. And I love HIM and I don't know what to do.
I know I should walk away. But I am weak, and without HIM I find it hard to smile, to relax... hell, without HIM I find it hard to breathe.
So how do I learn to live without HIM?
When I have a great day I want to share it with HIM. When I have a horrible day I want to vent it to HIM. When I have a sad day I want to lay in HIS arms and cry and feel safe and feel loved. And when HE is here and can do those things for me I feel incredibly loved, more loved than I have ever felt before. But when HE is gone and I am so all alone, I feel more alone than I have ever felt before and it is scary. It is a dark scary place to be.
I did not do myself any favors this weekend. I have been watching chick flicks, I mean really what was I thinking sitting here just now watching Jerry Maguire?
All it did was make me want to be loved like that. And I know I won't be. That is why I do not try to force HIM to choose between myself and HIS wife. I know I will lose. And I am so broken and pathetic that I would rather have the small part of HIM that I get now, than none of HIM at all.
I don't want to be this broken anymore.
My eyes hurt from the tears. My throat hurts from choking back sobs so that my children do not know how thoroughly distraught I have become. I have to find my way out of this black hole of a relationship I have gotten myself into.
My friends have told me to start dating other men... What The Fuck??? What kind of advice is that? I know they mean well, but I think they just don't get it. If I could choose, I would spend the rest of my life with this man, loving only HIM, touching only HIM, kissing only HIM forever.
But the choice is not mine to make. It is HIS and HE has chosen BOTH, and as long as I allow it that will be HIS choice. So I am going to have to make another choice for HIM. I just wish I was strong enough to do it now.
I have become more distant, and I know HE feels it, but HE is not really saying much about it. I don't cry to HIM and say over and over that I love and miss HIM. I respond when HE says those things to me, but then and only then. I know you probably do not think that is much, but trust me, it is a huge step. Six months ago I would have emailed HIM 40 times in the last 20 days. I would have left HIM off lines, and voice mails several times a day. I am getting a little stronger, and perhaps if I learn that love like that only exists in movies and fairy tales I will someday be able to really move on.
Fuck You, Jerry Maguire!!! You didn't deserve her!!!
That's all... Bye!