Dear HIM,

I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.

I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.

But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.

I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.
I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.
I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.
I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.
I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.
I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.
I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.
I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.
I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.
I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.
I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.
I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.
I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.
I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.
I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.
I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.

HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I want to tell you I hate you.
I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.
I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.
I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.

But I can not say those things. They are not true.

The fact is I love you.
The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.
The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.