Okay, so this is something like what the conversation went like when he called me at 6 am this morning.
"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"
"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"
"you didn't read it?"
"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."
"Is it the same kind of email i get every time we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"
"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."
"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."
"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this every time I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."
"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."
"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."
So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.
I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.
I called him back.
"Hey, I just need to say something."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."
INTERRUPTION (something he NEVER does.)
"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours during the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I am sorry. please continue..."
"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."
"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "
"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"
"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."
"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."
"I love you."
"So what do we do?'
"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."
Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"
"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."
We were both crying.
Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...
"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."
"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"
"You too, Baby.. I love you......."
I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, during his small bits of downtime, during the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.