Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dear HIM, (part two)

Okay, so this is something like what the conversation went like when he called me at 6 am this morning.

"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"
"not really"
"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"
"you didn't read it?"
"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."
"Is it the same kind of email i get every time we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"

"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."
"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."
"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this every time I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."
"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."

"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."


So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.
I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.

I called him back.

"Hey, I just need to say something."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."
INTERRUPTION (something he NEVER does.)
"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours during the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I am sorry. please continue..."
"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."
"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "
"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"
"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."
"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."

"I love you."
"I know."
"So what do we do?'
"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."
Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"
"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."

We were both crying.

Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...

"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."
"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"
"You too, Baby.. I love you......."

I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, during his small bits of downtime, during the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.


  1. You were very strong to say those things to him. You made him recognize your pain, and if he reads your email he will feel the wounds he's created. As much as it hurts, you're doing the right thing. I just hope he will too.

  2. Although I've never been involved with someone as "the other woman" I can relate to being in a relationship that was one-sided love. It is never a good feeling and if you're feeling like his love is not reciprocated on the same level as yours, its probably because it isn't. I thought I had to stay in the relationship I was in, because I thought it was the best I could do, because that is what HE made me believe. I finally realized that I deserved more (thanks to months of therapy) and I got out of that unhealthy relationship. It was difficult because I really did love him, tremendously. I had based so much of my personal happiness on trying to get him to love me more that I lost sight of what happiness really was.

    In some ways I wish he never calls you back so you can find and attain happiness and love outside of this relationship with him, but I also know that when you truly feel like you’ve found your soul mate that is not easy to let go of. I really just wish for peace in your life, in your thoughts and in your heart.

  3. Go girl! You've done well. Hope everything turns out right for you.
    Check out my dating disasters:

  4. thinking about you and hoping you're okay


I appreciate ALL comments, but comments intended to do nothing but HARM, with no CONSTRUCTIVE message will not be tolerated. Please remeber it is "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln
16th president of US (1809 - 1865)