Friday, October 30, 2009

I wish I could hate him...

Okay, so he did call me back that evening. We just had idle chitchat, small talk. It was uncomfortable, something that rarely has been with us.

We talked until he pulled into his driveway. He told me he loved me. The next morning I was at work before he was awake. We didn't talk until evening. Again, small talk. I waited until he was close to home, and asked him if he had read my letter. He said he had not. He said he was scared to see what it said, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to still read it. I said I did. He had been believing that it was the same letter I have written so many times before. When he is gone too long, and I get too lonely where I say i can't see him anymore, but really never explain my feelings.

He finally read it. He asked, "What do we do now?"

The thing is, I don't know what we do now. I think I am going to tell him that the kindest thing he can do for me is to tell me straight out that he doesn't love me like that, never has, and never will. And then just let me go. I don't know if he will do what is kindest for me.

I doubt it.

He does love me, and he, like me, is selfish. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it hurts people we love. So I think that he will try very hard to stay in my life. And I don't know that I am strong enough to force him out. He will try to stay my lover, and failing that he will try to stay my friend. And we will probably end up right back where we started, and it will go on for awhile longer. And I am ashamed to admit that. I am even more ashamed to know that while he loves me enough to want very much to keep me in his life, he loves me too little to put my emotional wellbeing above his own.

I wish I could hate him....

That's all, goodnight.


  1. Do you think you stay with him because it's what you think you deserve. My mom's second husband cheated, he left my mom, married her and then cheated on her. If he left his wife, would you ever trust him? And If he loved his wife at one point and now their marriage is broken, maybe his wife is alot like you. Lying awake at night, feeling diminished because whatever she is, it isn't enough. Yes, he is spending time with his son. It's his son. just as you would want the father of your children to spend time with them, they need their father. Even if he left her, and came to you. His wife and children will always be there to take his time.
    I don't know you, I don't know anything about you. But I do know this:
    "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
    -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    If it isn't any of these things, it isn't love. It is need, it is fear, it is desire, but it isn't love. Love shouldn't make you feel small and worthless, and it shouldn't tear apart the happiness of others. I hope you realize how much you are worth in God's eyes. I hope you find your way.
    God Bless,

  2. Hey. Where are you? It's been a week. Come on, girl. Post something. Let us know how you're doing.

  3. wow so you broke it off? but for how long this time? i hope no matter what you do what makes you happy and what doesn't harm you anymore. theres alot of pain here...

    I think you should read this related blog. Apparently we have only one shot on this palnet, and as much as you are entitled to live your life as you please, still you should try to make the most of it. You're not alone in this. Good luck and I wish you the best

  5. it's been a month since your last post. I hope you're okay.


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Abraham Lincoln
16th president of US (1809 - 1865)