Okay, so he did call me back that evening. We just had idle chitchat, small talk. It was uncomfortable, something that rarely has been with us.
We talked until he pulled into his driveway. He told me he loved me. The next morning I was at work before he was awake. We didn't talk until evening. Again, small talk. I waited until he was close to home, and asked him if he had read my letter. He said he had not. He said he was scared to see what it said, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to still read it. I said I did. He had been believing that it was the same letter I have written so many times before. When he is gone too long, and I get too lonely where I say i can't see him anymore, but really never explain my feelings.
He finally read it. He asked, "What do we do now?"
The thing is, I don't know what we do now. I think I am going to tell him that the kindest thing he can do for me is to tell me straight out that he doesn't love me like that, never has, and never will. And then just let me go. I don't know if he will do what is kindest for me.
I doubt it.
He does love me, and he, like me, is selfish. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it hurts people we love. So I think that he will try very hard to stay in my life. And I don't know that I am strong enough to force him out. He will try to stay my lover, and failing that he will try to stay my friend. And we will probably end up right back where we started, and it will go on for awhile longer. And I am ashamed to admit that. I am even more ashamed to know that while he loves me enough to want very much to keep me in his life, he loves me too little to put my emotional wellbeing above his own.
I wish I could hate him....
That's all, goodnight.