Again...

I have been suffering through another bout of insomnia tonight, thankfully they are rare these days. There was a year or so that I hardly slept at all, and I do not look forward to ever experiencing that again. But I have spent a big chunk of tonight re-reading my old blog, and I found this post, and I was reminded, that i still feel this way sometimes.. so here it is again...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

For the record...
It is no body's fault. I am just having one of those days. My emotions are all over the place. There is no reasoning, no rationale behind it, just pure unadulterated emotion. No excuses, no asking forgiveness, no explanation. Just me, raw, undeserving, uncaring, wildly swinging at anyone and anything that gets in the way. Sucker punching, back stabbing, angry momma cat fighting. If you need to forgive me, do it! If you don't want to, then fucking don't. I don't care. I care too much. That is my weakness. I let you get in my head. I let you get in my heart. i let myself be torn again and again until the very core of me screams, stop! But you can't. And I can't. And we go on and on until one or both of us breaks. Until all the shattered pieces of me collapse in a pile at your feet and kiss you, and beg you to put me back together again. And will you? Will you, then? When I am on my knees, completely at your mercy? Will you see me for what I am? Scared, and alone, and loving, and battered, and bruised, and in need of a warm safe place to lay my head and just be me for awhile? And will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for just one person in this world? Just one special person who will see me and finally say to themselves... she is the one? Do I ever get that? And do you understand any of this? Cause i don't, I don't understand it. i just live it, feel it, breathe it, drown in it.