Okay, so my time not here was time I spent with HIM. HE was here Tuesday night. I know it is probably morally repugnant to many of you that I am happy while in the arms o f another woman's husband, but the truth of the matter is, that is when I am the most happy. NOT because HE is someone else's husband, but because I am in HIS arms. If I had my way, HE would NOT be married, at least not to someone other than me.
I know you probably are asking, why then do I stay? Well the answer is more complicated than a simple "I Love HIM.", though that certainly is a huge part of the equation. It is also because I am scared to be totally alone. It is because I lived for so long, being treated so poorly, that I have THRIVED in HIS affection and attention. I lost eighty pounds. (I didn't try, it just fell off with all the hatefulness being gone from my life. * and I will admit, sometimes it is as much as one hundred pounds, twenty of it still comes and goes *) I feel GREAT when I am with HIM. HE makes me feel like a beautiful woman, for the first time in a VERY LONG time. HE is my best friend. HE is my soul-mate. (I am sure some of you don't believe in soul-mates, but, I knew I loved HIM before I met HIM.) HE is the one person who I have been looking for my whole life. HE is my perfect match.
My brain tells me that I should not be in this relationship, but my heart yearns for HIM always. My brain says that if HE loved me even a fraction of as much as I love HIM, HE would be with me today and everyday for the rest of our lives, til death do us part. BUT, my heart knows that it is not THAT simple. HE has had a life with someone else for a very long time. HE has a family, children (one still at home), grandchildren. HE has a mortgage, car notes, bank accounts all tied up with HER. And HE has me (and my children).
HE heads two families, and HE tries hard to be there for all of us in both families. Is it right? Of course not. Neither of us would be willing to say that it is. But, it is how it is. For now.
I wish HE could just walk away. I think, that HE wishes that too. But HE feels HE has a duty to complete the raising of HIS child. HE feels honor bound to stay.
I do not want you to get the wrong idea. HE has never made me promises about the future. HE has never asked me to wait the three more years it will take until HIS youngest child reaches the age of majority. HE has even told me that HE still loves HIS wife. ( HE has said .. She is the mother of HIS children, she has been a good wife, a good mother, has done nothing WRONG, and that HE will not say HE doesn't love her, or say bad things about her. ** note ~ I would not ask HIM to say that. I understand how you can love someone and not be IN LOVE anymore.)
But, HE also says that HE loves me, that HE is in love with me, that HE wants me.
I asked HIM once, if HIS youngest were grown, and out of the house, if things would be different.
HE said, "Yes, I think they would. But it is not fair of me to ask you to wait that long."
Do I see the hesitation in that? YES, I do.
I think, that things would be different. But I see things you can not. I see the way HE looks at me. I see how HE reaches for me in HIS sleep. I hear how HE calls out for me in his dreams. (I keep telling HIM that will be how HE gets caught again, because HE so often talks to or about me while HE sleeps.) * Yes, I said AGAIN. Yes, I will someday explain. YES, it was me that HE got caught with * I see how his eyes water when HE leaves, I see how HIS face lights up when we see each other again, even if it has only been a few hours since we parted. Those are not things a heart can fake. If I had to rely only upon HIS words, I would not trust them. But I see, I feel, I hear the love, the IN LOVE.
*insert me laughing at myself here*
Yes, I am probably a fool.
Perhaps I see what I want to see.
Perhaps my heart yearns so much for HIM that I see what does not exist.
Maybe... time will tell.
Maybe I will get tired of waiting before I ever find out.
Maybe by the time HE knows for certain what HE wants, it will be too late.
I am tired.
It has been a long day.
He is coming back to me tonight.
That's all. Goodnight.