Okay, so I was reading a post by Jenn (An amazingly beautiful young woman whose blog I stumbled upon the same night I started blogging again), about being lonely and how hard it is to make friends as a "grown-up". It really hit home with me. I have lived here in this town for 16 months, and have only ONE real female friend here. I have made other friendships, but they only seem to last until I no longer have day to day contact with the other person. Then, nothing.
HE is my best friend, and I think that may be part of my problem. It is hard for me to make plans with other people, because I rarely get much advance notice on when HE will be coming into town. HIS work takes HIM on the road quite often, and HE is sometimes here in my town for several days a week, and sometimes gone to some other state for a couple of weeks. So I find myself not making plans, for fear that I will have to cancel them, or give up time with HIM to keep them.
Also, I tend to form better friendships with men than with women, and find that since I am "committed" to HIM, I do not want to spend time with my male friends. Not that there is anything of a sexual nature happening with my male friends, but because of the message of "availability" that they may misinterpret by me "hanging out" too much.
HE has NEVER asked me to not go out and have fun. In fact, HE encourages me to have a social life. HE knows that I get lonely when HE is gone. But, I also know how sad it would make HIM to get time with me, only to have me say that I "have other plans" and can't spend that time with HIM.
HIS best male friend (and his wife), recently moved away from the town in which I live. HE often told me to contact HIS friend's wife and "befriend" her when they lived here. HIS friend and friend's wife know all about our relationship. We kept planning on all of us getting together sometime for formal introductions, but HE and I tend to be jealous of our limited time together and choose to not share it with anyone but each other and the kids.
I made friends with HIS buddy's wife online, but though she and I talked of getting together for coffee, we never made it happen, and now she is moved, and it is too late.
I guess, even knowing that they know all about me, and she always being nice, I still worried that perhaps she thought badly of me, for my relationship with HIM. She has met HIS wife, and I was afraid that it would be uncomfortable.
It wasn't until after she had moved that she told me that she hoped I would "hold on". That I would be able to stick it out until HE saw what she saw, that I am the woman who makes HIM happy. That I am the woman HE can't stop talking about to HIS own best friend. That I am the woman that HE says is amazing, wonderful, beautiful, HIS love, HIS passion. She says HE has never spoken of HIS wife like that. She said that HE states over and over that I am the woman HE loves. She thinks I am "good" for HIM, because HE is never so happy as when HE finds out HE gets to spend time with me.
I wish I had known she felt that way before she moved. I wish I had known that she was willing to accept me with open arms. I would have had a friend.
I was afraid to meet HIS friends. I was afraid they would not accept me. I guess I was wrong, and next time HE wants me to meet HIS friends, I will go, with a smile, in hopes that they will become my friends also.
Until then, I will keep HIM as my BEST friend. I will make more of an effort to spend time with my ONE good female friend that I have made here. I will make an effort to meet more people. I will agree to that cup of coffee or that lunch with my male friends. And I will make plans, without knowing when HE will turn up. And I will not break my plans for HIM. HE will have to wait at my house until I get done. I have waited enough for HIM. HE loves me, HE will understand.
That's all, goodnight!