Saturday, October 3, 2009


Okay, so HE came to spend the night on Thursday. It was a horrible night. Not because of HIM, but because of my kids. They were simply pushing every button I possess.

My youngest was loud and whiny. My middle child refused to listen, choosing to ignore me telling her time and again to go to bed. And my oldest went to run an errand and decided to stay gone for over 3 hours for something that should have taken 30 minutes. I was ready to pull my hair out, and started crying.

HE was wonderful as usual. Stepping back and letting me handle things in my own way, only saying anything when HE felt that my kids were out of line and speaking to me disrespectfully. HE is not their father, and so HE tries very hard to not "parent" my children. But, occasionally, the fact that HE is the "male head of our family" is more obvious than at other times, and my son speaking disrespectfully to me is one of those times. HE does not hesitate to speak up then. And I appreciate it. BUT, and here is a big BUT... I am not sure that I have done the right thing in allowing HE and my children to form such a bond.

My children love HIM, and HE loves them. They give and receive hugs and kisses when HE walks in the door before I do. They all say goodnight with a hug and an "I love you".

As we sat eating dinner together that night, one of my children was singing at the table. I asked her to stop, she did not. HE said to her, "We are trying to have a nice family dinner. Singing at the table makes it hard for OUR family to be able to talk to each other, and we want to hear about what is going on in everyone's lives, not listen to your singing."

I was floored.

OUR family?


It scares me.

It scares me because HE and they are so damned attached to each other. And I have no clue where this relationship is heading.

My 11 year old daughter even once hinted to HIM that she would like it if HE would walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Granted, something like that is so far in the future that I shouldn't even give it a second thought right now, but, it makes me fear for what consequences my relationship with HIM will have on my children when I am no longer in this relationship.

HE has been more of a "father" to them than their own father was in all the years we were together as a family. HE plays with them. HE talks with them. HE listens to them. HE provides for them, as much as I will allow HIM to. (We woke up extra early Friday morning because my youngest seems to have no matching socks left, and so we ran to the store at 5:30 in the morning so HE could buy her some socks before school.) HE loves them. They love HIM.

And I am scared.

That's all for now. Goodbye.


  1. How does he do that? I've only been with my girl for a year, and in the grand scheme of things we're still learning about eachother. But her two kids, at times, drive me bonkers! I do love part of me wants to get over my feelings about this so we can be together, but the other part of me feels that if I'm not able to "get over it" that they'll be the reason for us not to continue...

    Hearing you talk about your man....well, yeah...makes me wish that I had his ability to think that way.

    Like I's he do it?

  2. Well, I have been a step-parent, and I can tell you how I SEE that HE handles things with my children, but you still need to find your own way.

    As to how HE does it, it hasn't always been easy. My oldest liked HIM right away for two reasons. The first being that HE made me happy. My son had seen me so depressed for so long, that he knew how free I felt when I was with HIM. How vibrant I became, as opposed to the shrinking, scared, scarred woman he saw all the years I was with his father. The second reason is that HE is a retired Marine, and my son is fascinated by all things Marine.

    My youngest took to HIM right away, because she so desperately loves EVERYONE! (This is the child who made friends with our neighborhood crack ho, when I took too long using the restroom while she was playing on the front porch. I came out of the house to find the prostitute using a rock to draw a hopscotch grid, and promising to bring some sidewalk chalk for my daughter the next day! ** I think I need a pitbull**)

    But my middle child was hard won. She hated HIM. She hated all that HE meant to her. In her eyes, HE was what stood in the way of her father and I repairing our broken marriage. HE was the reason we moved. HE was the cause of all the turmoil in her life. AND she knew HE is married. (Her father thought that was "appropriate information" for a then 9 yr old child to know.)

    But, HE knows that I am a package deal. My children will ALWAYS be my first priority. So, if HE wants me, HE has to make it work with my kids. They are an extension of me.

    HE started winning her over by never making promises HE couldn't keep. And by keeping HIS word to her and to me. That is something she had never seen her own father do.

    HE showed an interest in her life, asking about school, her friends, talking WITH her about things she wanted to talk about. HE always sought to include her in any activity that was "family oriented" but when she refused, HE refused to allow the rest of us to not enjoy the time. We would just do what we had planned, and left her sitting on the sidelines, until she decided to join us.

    It was HIS steadiness, HIS gentle understanding of her need to feel anger, and HIS relentless attempts to include her, without ever PUSHING her, that finally won her over.

    There are times when the kids drive HIM insane. Hell, they are mine and they drive ME insane. But HE never raises HIS voice in anger. HE never is unfair, and HE will quietly (and out of their presence) let me know if HE thinks I am being unfair with them. HE praises them when they deserve praise, and tells them HE is disappointed when they mess up. But HE ALWAYS tells them HE loves them. And HE does love them. HE genuinely cares about how they feel, what they need, what they want and how they grow up. And HE sees it as HIS job as the man in their life to be the best man HE can be for them.

    I can not tell you how to go about feeling the same way towards your girlfriend's children. But if you take your commitment to their mother seriously, then you need to find a way to bond with her children. They will always and should always be more important to her (and you) than you and she are to each other. Be the best man you know how to be for them, and even if the relationship with her ends someday, they (and you) will still have had a positive experience from it.

    Wow, Thank You! You helped me to come to peace with my problem. Even if my relationship with HIM ends. It would still have been a positive experience for my kids. They got to see a man treating their mother with love and respect, and they were treated by a man, with love and respect. *smile*

  3. As far as this issue goes, single parents face it all the time. Do your children know he's married to someone else?

  4. My oldest two do know that, their father decided that was something they needed to know, and told them all, however my youngest (she is five now) doesn't remember it.

    My children know that MORALLY it is wrong. They have told me that, and we have talked about our feelings about it.

    I told them that I knew it was wrong, I told them that I struggle with what my head tells me is right, and what my heart tells me is right.

    My son (will be sixteen this month) has told me that he sees the love between the two of us, how happy we are when we are together, and how sad we are when we have to part, and that he hopes we both figure out what we are doing, before we hurt each other irreparably. He loves my MM (Married Man) he wants us to be together and be happy. He knows that it is unlikely to end well for me. But, he enjoys our time together, our little family with My MM in it with us, for now.

    My daughter (11) knows, but she is more like her mother than I want to admit. She too knows that it is not a GOOD and MORAL choice, but she overlooks our situation and just enjoys the fact that she has a better father figure in My MM than she ever had with her own father. I think she is hopeful that someday he will be in our lives fulltime, that makes me sad.


I appreciate ALL comments, but comments intended to do nothing but HARM, with no CONSTRUCTIVE message will not be tolerated. Please remeber it is "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln
16th president of US (1809 - 1865)