Thursday, December 31, 2009
I am still alive...
Okay, so I am still alive. Just been doing a lot of thinking, and living, and I will be back soon to catch you all up. But tonight, I will be doing something other than focusing on the fact that at midnight his lips will not be on mine, and will most likely be kissing hers...
Friday, October 30, 2009
I wish I could hate him...
Okay, so he did call me back that evening. We just had idle chitchat, small talk. It was uncomfortable, something that rarely has been with us.
We talked until he pulled into his driveway. He told me he loved me. The next morning I was at work before he was awake. We didn't talk until evening. Again, small talk. I waited until he was close to home, and asked him if he had read my letter. He said he had not. He said he was scared to see what it said, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to still read it. I said I did. He had been believing that it was the same letter I have written so many times before. When he is gone too long, and I get too lonely where I say i can't see him anymore, but really never explain my feelings.
He finally read it. He asked, "What do we do now?"
The thing is, I don't know what we do now. I think I am going to tell him that the kindest thing he can do for me is to tell me straight out that he doesn't love me like that, never has, and never will. And then just let me go. I don't know if he will do what is kindest for me.
I doubt it.
He does love me, and he, like me, is selfish. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it hurts people we love. So I think that he will try very hard to stay in my life. And I don't know that I am strong enough to force him out. He will try to stay my lover, and failing that he will try to stay my friend. And we will probably end up right back where we started, and it will go on for awhile longer. And I am ashamed to admit that. I am even more ashamed to know that while he loves me enough to want very much to keep me in his life, he loves me too little to put my emotional wellbeing above his own.
I wish I could hate him....
That's all, goodnight.
We talked until he pulled into his driveway. He told me he loved me. The next morning I was at work before he was awake. We didn't talk until evening. Again, small talk. I waited until he was close to home, and asked him if he had read my letter. He said he had not. He said he was scared to see what it said, he asked me if I was sure I wanted him to still read it. I said I did. He had been believing that it was the same letter I have written so many times before. When he is gone too long, and I get too lonely where I say i can't see him anymore, but really never explain my feelings.
He finally read it. He asked, "What do we do now?"
The thing is, I don't know what we do now. I think I am going to tell him that the kindest thing he can do for me is to tell me straight out that he doesn't love me like that, never has, and never will. And then just let me go. I don't know if he will do what is kindest for me.
I doubt it.
He does love me, and he, like me, is selfish. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it hurts people we love. So I think that he will try very hard to stay in my life. And I don't know that I am strong enough to force him out. He will try to stay my lover, and failing that he will try to stay my friend. And we will probably end up right back where we started, and it will go on for awhile longer. And I am ashamed to admit that. I am even more ashamed to know that while he loves me enough to want very much to keep me in his life, he loves me too little to put my emotional wellbeing above his own.
I wish I could hate him....
That's all, goodnight.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Dear HIM, (part two)
Okay, so this is something like what the conversation went like when he called me at 6 am this morning.
"hello"
"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"
"not really"
"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"
"you didn't read it?"
"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."
"Oh."
"Is it the same kind of email i get every time we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"
Silence....
"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."
"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."
"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this every time I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."
Silence.
"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."
Silence.
"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."
Disconnect.
So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.
I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.
I called him back.
"Hey, I just need to say something."
"Okay."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."
INTERRUPTION (something he NEVER does.)
"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours during the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I am sorry. please continue..."
"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."
"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "
"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"
"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."
"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."
Silence.
Silence....
"I love you."
"I know."
"So what do we do?'
"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."
Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"
"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."
Silence...
We were both crying.
Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...
"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."
"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"
"You too, Baby.. I love you......."
I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, during his small bits of downtime, during the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.
"hello"
"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"
"not really"
"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"
"you didn't read it?"
"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."
"Oh."
"Is it the same kind of email i get every time we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"
Silence....
"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."
"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."
"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this every time I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."
Silence.
"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."
Silence.
"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."
Disconnect.
So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.
I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.
I called him back.
"Hey, I just need to say something."
"Okay."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."
INTERRUPTION (something he NEVER does.)
"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours during the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I am sorry. please continue..."
"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."
"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "
"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"
"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."
"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."
Silence.
Silence....
"I love you."
"I know."
"So what do we do?'
"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."
Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"
"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."
Silence...
We were both crying.
Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...
"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."
"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"
"You too, Baby.. I love you......."
I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, during his small bits of downtime, during the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Dear HIM,
I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.
I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.
But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.
I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.
I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.
I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.
I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.
I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.
I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.
I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.
I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.
I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.
I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.
I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.
I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.
I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.
I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.
I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.
I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.
HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?
I want to tell you I hate you.
I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.
I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.
I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.
But I can not say those things. They are not true.
The fact is I love you.
The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.
The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.
But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.
I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.
But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.
I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.
I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.
I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.
I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.
I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.
I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.
I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.
I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.
I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.
I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.
I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.
I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.
I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.
I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.
I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.
I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.
HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?
I want to tell you I hate you.
I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.
I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.
I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.
But I can not say those things. They are not true.
The fact is I love you.
The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.
The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.
But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Fuck You, Jerry Maguire...
Okay, so we haven't seen each other in something like 19 or 20 days. It feels horrible.
It is made all the more horrible because it gives me time to think, and to realize that if HE really wanted to HE would have found a way to see me. HE has been working, a lot! But, where there is a will, there is a way, obviously there is no will.
HE calls me everyday. Several times a day, but that isn't enough for me.
This time apart (the longest we have been apart in a year) has given me time to come back to reality. Reality is that I need to remember my place in HIS life. My place is last.
I come after HIS work, after HIS family commitments, after HIM hanging out at home with HIS son, after barbecues with HIS family friends. I will always come after. And it makes me sad. And I deserve better. And I love HIM and I don't know what to do.
I know I should walk away. But I am weak, and without HIM I find it hard to smile, to relax... hell, without HIM I find it hard to breathe.
So how do I learn to live without HIM?
When I have a great day I want to share it with HIM. When I have a horrible day I want to vent it to HIM. When I have a sad day I want to lay in HIS arms and cry and feel safe and feel loved. And when HE is here and can do those things for me I feel incredibly loved, more loved than I have ever felt before. But when HE is gone and I am so all alone, I feel more alone than I have ever felt before and it is scary. It is a dark scary place to be.
I did not do myself any favors this weekend. I have been watching chick flicks, I mean really what was I thinking sitting here just now watching Jerry Maguire?
All it did was make me want to be loved like that. And I know I won't be. That is why I do not try to force HIM to choose between myself and HIS wife. I know I will lose. And I am so broken and pathetic that I would rather have the small part of HIM that I get now, than none of HIM at all.
I don't want to be this broken anymore.
My eyes hurt from the tears. My throat hurts from choking back sobs so that my children do not know how thoroughly distraught I have become. I have to find my way out of this black hole of a relationship I have gotten myself into.
My friends have told me to start dating other men... What The Fuck??? What kind of advice is that? I know they mean well, but I think they just don't get it. If I could choose, I would spend the rest of my life with this man, loving only HIM, touching only HIM, kissing only HIM forever.
But the choice is not mine to make. It is HIS and HE has chosen BOTH, and as long as I allow it that will be HIS choice. So I am going to have to make another choice for HIM. I just wish I was strong enough to do it now.
I have become more distant, and I know HE feels it, but HE is not really saying much about it. I don't cry to HIM and say over and over that I love and miss HIM. I respond when HE says those things to me, but then and only then. I know you probably do not think that is much, but trust me, it is a huge step. Six months ago I would have emailed HIM 40 times in the last 20 days. I would have left HIM off lines, and voice mails several times a day. I am getting a little stronger, and perhaps if I learn that love like that only exists in movies and fairy tales I will someday be able to really move on.
Fuck You, Jerry Maguire!!! You didn't deserve her!!!
That's all... Bye!
It is made all the more horrible because it gives me time to think, and to realize that if HE really wanted to HE would have found a way to see me. HE has been working, a lot! But, where there is a will, there is a way, obviously there is no will.
HE calls me everyday. Several times a day, but that isn't enough for me.
This time apart (the longest we have been apart in a year) has given me time to come back to reality. Reality is that I need to remember my place in HIS life. My place is last.
I come after HIS work, after HIS family commitments, after HIM hanging out at home with HIS son, after barbecues with HIS family friends. I will always come after. And it makes me sad. And I deserve better. And I love HIM and I don't know what to do.
I know I should walk away. But I am weak, and without HIM I find it hard to smile, to relax... hell, without HIM I find it hard to breathe.
So how do I learn to live without HIM?
When I have a great day I want to share it with HIM. When I have a horrible day I want to vent it to HIM. When I have a sad day I want to lay in HIS arms and cry and feel safe and feel loved. And when HE is here and can do those things for me I feel incredibly loved, more loved than I have ever felt before. But when HE is gone and I am so all alone, I feel more alone than I have ever felt before and it is scary. It is a dark scary place to be.
I did not do myself any favors this weekend. I have been watching chick flicks, I mean really what was I thinking sitting here just now watching Jerry Maguire?
All it did was make me want to be loved like that. And I know I won't be. That is why I do not try to force HIM to choose between myself and HIS wife. I know I will lose. And I am so broken and pathetic that I would rather have the small part of HIM that I get now, than none of HIM at all.
I don't want to be this broken anymore.
My eyes hurt from the tears. My throat hurts from choking back sobs so that my children do not know how thoroughly distraught I have become. I have to find my way out of this black hole of a relationship I have gotten myself into.
My friends have told me to start dating other men... What The Fuck??? What kind of advice is that? I know they mean well, but I think they just don't get it. If I could choose, I would spend the rest of my life with this man, loving only HIM, touching only HIM, kissing only HIM forever.
But the choice is not mine to make. It is HIS and HE has chosen BOTH, and as long as I allow it that will be HIS choice. So I am going to have to make another choice for HIM. I just wish I was strong enough to do it now.
I have become more distant, and I know HE feels it, but HE is not really saying much about it. I don't cry to HIM and say over and over that I love and miss HIM. I respond when HE says those things to me, but then and only then. I know you probably do not think that is much, but trust me, it is a huge step. Six months ago I would have emailed HIM 40 times in the last 20 days. I would have left HIM off lines, and voice mails several times a day. I am getting a little stronger, and perhaps if I learn that love like that only exists in movies and fairy tales I will someday be able to really move on.
Fuck You, Jerry Maguire!!! You didn't deserve her!!!
That's all... Bye!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Farther Away.... (Yes, I am stealing a song title, sue me!)
Okay, so HE is at home tonight. Not my home, HIS home. I know that is where HE lives, but I hate it when HE is there.
I am always left wondering. Is this the night HE will make love with HIS wife? Is this the night HE will decide that HE needs to fix HIS marriage and will cut me off without a word? Is this the night HE moves, farther away?
I have told HIM to do that, numerous times. To just let me go, and go fix whatever is broken.
It never lasts long. HE calls, or I call, and we both say "I love you" and we both mean it, and it starts all over again.
It looks like it will be another week before HE gets back here again. Time away from HIM feels like dying.
It makes my stomach ache. It makes my head hurt. It makes my heart feel like it has a huge hole in it.
What in the fuck am I doing?
I feel like such a failure.
I have failed to make the person I am in love with, love me enough in return.
What is wrong with me that I am not good enough?
I feel, diminished.
That's all, Goodnight.
I am always left wondering. Is this the night HE will make love with HIS wife? Is this the night HE will decide that HE needs to fix HIS marriage and will cut me off without a word? Is this the night HE moves, farther away?
I have told HIM to do that, numerous times. To just let me go, and go fix whatever is broken.
It never lasts long. HE calls, or I call, and we both say "I love you" and we both mean it, and it starts all over again.
It looks like it will be another week before HE gets back here again. Time away from HIM feels like dying.
It makes my stomach ache. It makes my head hurt. It makes my heart feel like it has a huge hole in it.
What in the fuck am I doing?
I feel like such a failure.
I have failed to make the person I am in love with, love me enough in return.
What is wrong with me that I am not good enough?
I feel, diminished.
That's all, Goodnight.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Phase...
Okay, so I haven't posted much lately. I guess that is because not a lot is going on right now.
Well, that is not necessarily the truth. A lot is going on right now, but all in my head.
I go through phases in this relationship. I am in "I am a horrible person" phase right now.
When I am like this, I beat myself up for being the other woman.
I remind myself how painful it was for me to find out time and again that my husband was cheating on me, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. But it still hurt.
Then the guilt kicks in, and I try to convince myself to just walk away. To cut off contact with HIM and never look back.
I cry a lot.
I hide a lot. I stop communicating with my friends, and I retreat into this dark place in my head.
Most times when I am in this phase I tell HIM that I just can't do it. That I am not built to be the OTHER woman, I want to be the ONLY woman. HE responds with "I love you." HE doesn't really know what else to say. HE is not ready to leave HIS marriage yet.
I know this. We have talked about it, and let us be clear, HE has NEVER said HE will leave HIS wife for me. HE feels a sense of obligation, duty, to see HIS family raised, and HE still has a son at home for a few more years.
I have asked if things would be different if that were not the case, if the kids were all grown and gone. HE has said HE thinks so. *shrug*
I don't know how much longer just thinking so will be enough for me. I WANT HIM to make me promises, but I am glad that HE respects me enough to not make promises HE doesn't know that HE can keep.
HE says HE knows when I will fall into this 'phase'. It is when HE has to be away from me for more than a day or two. I start to feel the emptiness with no idea when HE will be back, and the pain of that gets to me.
HE always says to me that if I choose to leave, it will break HIS heart, but HE would understand. That HE knows it is not fair for HIM to ask me to wait. That HE will spend the rest of HIS life missing me and regretting my loss. The rest of HIS life loving me.
I want HIM to love me so much that HE wouldn't understand, and would not be able to let me go. I don't know if HE realizes how painful it is each time HE says that to me.
This sucks. I am crying again. I will be back later.
That's all, bye.
Well, that is not necessarily the truth. A lot is going on right now, but all in my head.
I go through phases in this relationship. I am in "I am a horrible person" phase right now.
When I am like this, I beat myself up for being the other woman.
I remind myself how painful it was for me to find out time and again that my husband was cheating on me, and I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE HIM ANYMORE. But it still hurt.
Then the guilt kicks in, and I try to convince myself to just walk away. To cut off contact with HIM and never look back.
I cry a lot.
I hide a lot. I stop communicating with my friends, and I retreat into this dark place in my head.
Most times when I am in this phase I tell HIM that I just can't do it. That I am not built to be the OTHER woman, I want to be the ONLY woman. HE responds with "I love you." HE doesn't really know what else to say. HE is not ready to leave HIS marriage yet.
I know this. We have talked about it, and let us be clear, HE has NEVER said HE will leave HIS wife for me. HE feels a sense of obligation, duty, to see HIS family raised, and HE still has a son at home for a few more years.
I have asked if things would be different if that were not the case, if the kids were all grown and gone. HE has said HE thinks so. *shrug*
I don't know how much longer just thinking so will be enough for me. I WANT HIM to make me promises, but I am glad that HE respects me enough to not make promises HE doesn't know that HE can keep.
HE says HE knows when I will fall into this 'phase'. It is when HE has to be away from me for more than a day or two. I start to feel the emptiness with no idea when HE will be back, and the pain of that gets to me.
HE always says to me that if I choose to leave, it will break HIS heart, but HE would understand. That HE knows it is not fair for HIM to ask me to wait. That HE will spend the rest of HIS life missing me and regretting my loss. The rest of HIS life loving me.
I want HIM to love me so much that HE wouldn't understand, and would not be able to let me go. I don't know if HE realizes how painful it is each time HE says that to me.
This sucks. I am crying again. I will be back later.
That's all, bye.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Self-Discovery ~ The Amazing Journey
Okay, so I have been blogging again for just a few days. It feels good, knowing I have someplace I can go and just be me again, for a little while.
If I am sad, I can say that I am sad.
If I am angry, I can rant and rave and throw things against my blog walls and do it all without ever damaging anyone. I love that feeling of freedom.
I started this blog and named it The Life and Times of The Other Woman. But this is about far more than being a mistress. It is about me, all of me. The good, the bad, the downright twisted. It is about finding out who I am, and who I want to be. It is about all the little steps, and giant leaps I make in the process of reaching that goal.
I think almost all blogs are like that.
A mission of self-discovery.
A beautiful journey. A scary journey. An amazing journey. But one we are often afraid to make alone.
By blogging, we aren't alone. Other's read what we write, and decide to hold our hands as we walk down a path we would otherwise have to walk alone.
It helps. That feeling of community.
When you feel weak, your new friends lend you some strength. When you are sad, they lend you some joy.
I have been reading a few blogs religiously since I have started blogging again.
One is Ex Hot Girl written by Jenn.
The other is Did I Just Eat That Outloud? written by Sue.
Both are ostensibly about a journey through weight loss. But if you read beyond the numbers, you will find that, they too, are on a road to self-discovery. They are finding out who they are, behind the weight. As they shed the pounds, they are working on the emotions behind the weight gain. They are finding the REAL person that they tried to hide behind the pounds. I see it, even if they don't. And let me say here, they are doing beautifully! They both seem to me to have beautiful souls, and if they haven't figured that out yet, they soon will.
When I started this blog, I truly feared that I would be attacked verbally for my weaknesses. I mean, here I am openly saying that I am in love with another woman's husband. I am admitting to an ongoing affair. I came here in a last ditch effort to have a place to be honest, but I really didn't expect it to work.
I have been visiting a website called LoveShack.org which has a forum for people who are involved in extra marital affairs, supposedly for the OTHER to have a safe place to talk about what they are dealing with. I have sometimes found it helpful. But, the site is also frequented by the BS (betrayed spouses) who are often cruel and demeaning.
What a nice surprise for me that when I came here to blog, I VERY quickly met these two women who embraced me, and accepted me with all of my flaws. They can never know how much that means to me.
I am grateful to be on the path I am on. A path to find myself. A path to a better me. And how grateful I am to have such kind hearted people willing to walk next to me along the way.
That's all. Bye.
If I am sad, I can say that I am sad.
If I am angry, I can rant and rave and throw things against my blog walls and do it all without ever damaging anyone. I love that feeling of freedom.
I started this blog and named it The Life and Times of The Other Woman. But this is about far more than being a mistress. It is about me, all of me. The good, the bad, the downright twisted. It is about finding out who I am, and who I want to be. It is about all the little steps, and giant leaps I make in the process of reaching that goal.
I think almost all blogs are like that.
A mission of self-discovery.
A beautiful journey. A scary journey. An amazing journey. But one we are often afraid to make alone.
By blogging, we aren't alone. Other's read what we write, and decide to hold our hands as we walk down a path we would otherwise have to walk alone.
It helps. That feeling of community.
When you feel weak, your new friends lend you some strength. When you are sad, they lend you some joy.
I have been reading a few blogs religiously since I have started blogging again.
One is Ex Hot Girl written by Jenn.
The other is Did I Just Eat That Outloud? written by Sue.
Both are ostensibly about a journey through weight loss. But if you read beyond the numbers, you will find that, they too, are on a road to self-discovery. They are finding out who they are, behind the weight. As they shed the pounds, they are working on the emotions behind the weight gain. They are finding the REAL person that they tried to hide behind the pounds. I see it, even if they don't. And let me say here, they are doing beautifully! They both seem to me to have beautiful souls, and if they haven't figured that out yet, they soon will.
When I started this blog, I truly feared that I would be attacked verbally for my weaknesses. I mean, here I am openly saying that I am in love with another woman's husband. I am admitting to an ongoing affair. I came here in a last ditch effort to have a place to be honest, but I really didn't expect it to work.
I have been visiting a website called LoveShack.org which has a forum for people who are involved in extra marital affairs, supposedly for the OTHER to have a safe place to talk about what they are dealing with. I have sometimes found it helpful. But, the site is also frequented by the BS (betrayed spouses) who are often cruel and demeaning.
What a nice surprise for me that when I came here to blog, I VERY quickly met these two women who embraced me, and accepted me with all of my flaws. They can never know how much that means to me.
I am grateful to be on the path I am on. A path to find myself. A path to a better me. And how grateful I am to have such kind hearted people willing to walk next to me along the way.
That's all. Bye.
I Need to Read This Everyday...
"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination."
I just found this as someone's tag line. I have no clue who said it, or the context in which it was spoken, I only know that it spoke to me, and I need to read it everyday.
I just found this as someone's tag line. I have no clue who said it, or the context in which it was spoken, I only know that it spoke to me, and I need to read it everyday.
Today I Feel GORGEOUS....
Okay, so I had been having a bit of a blah day.
I have been very lonely for a few days. More so than usual.
My son went on a trip with his NJROTC group to a local military base. He has been gone since Wednesday morning, and didn't get home until about eight o'clock last night. He was exhausted, and ate, went to sleep, and was up and gone to church before I ever crawled out of bed this morning.
HE has been out of town working. HE visited Wednesday night after work for about an hour of hand holding and cuddling before HE had to head home and get some sleep because HE was heading out of town for work early the next morning. HE is still out of town. HE works very long hours, and is often gone for a week or more at a time, and when HE is gone I miss HIM. Terribly. (When I refer to HIM as being out of town, what I mean by that is that HE is not with me, nor is HE at HIS home with HIS wife. HE lives in a town about an hour and a half away from me.)
HE has been calling me, HE always does, as often as possible. If HE has five minutes during work, HE calls. On HIS way from the plant to the motel HE calls. HE showers, eats, and calls. We have more conversation on HIS out of town trips than we do when HE is here spending the nights with me. But, I still miss HIM like crazy.
Anyway, so that is where I have been. Missing the two men in my life terribly! My son, and HIM. And feeling well, BLAH!
And then I logged on to my blog and got a wonderful surprise! *insert a HUGE SMILEY FACE HERE*
I was awarded a Gorgeous Blogger Award.
If I had posted pictures of myself and received this award it probably would not have meant nearly as much to me. But I haven't, at least none where you see my face. So, that means someone thinks my "soul" is gorgeous! Because that is what people see when they read my blog. They see my soul. And I am honored to receive this! THANK YOU, SUE!!! You have made my day!
I feel even more honored because it came from someone whose soul I think is beautiful based on the little bit of her life and thought processes I have seen reading her blog.
I have never gotten a blog award before, so I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it. I read her page and it seems that I am supposed to tell six random things about myself... hmm... okay...
1.) I grew up in Los Angeles, lived for far too long in Iowa, and finally have ended up in North Carolina. I like it here, I think I will stay.
2.) I have three living children. I am however a mother of five. I suffered a midterm miscarriage with my first child, and my 11 year old is the survivor of a set of identical twins. My daughter passed away when she was two days old. You can read the story here. I have had a few other VERY early term miscarriages. They were so early that the pregnancy was not confirmed by a doctor, only a home test, and by the time I got to the doctor, the pregnancy had already spontaneously ended. I struggle sometimes how to answer when people ask the question of "How many kids" I have.
3.) I love cheesecake! Strawberry cheesecake! (yes, I needed to try to lighten the mood a bit)
4.) I love pampering the man in my life, and I have found that the more I pamper HIM, the more HE wants to pamper me! I wish I had learned this trick much earlier in life. I always thought men wanted a self-reliant, self-confident, strong EQUAL! I mean, that is what all the women projected in the 80's when I was an impressionable young girl. BE STRONG, BE INDEPENDENT. Who knew that the man that I would fall in love with would be the one who wants me to be the feminine little flower I have always wanted to be treated like! I like having my doors opened for me! I like that HE wants to lead, because deep down, I want to follow! And by having such clearly defined masculine/feminine roles in our relationship, we both get exactly what we want. I adore HIM, and because of my adoration, HE in turn adores me! WIN/WIN!
5.) I give GREAT advice to other people, but I am HORRIBLE at accepting advice from others. I know this. But I seem powerless to change it. And I recently found a quote that I now use as my mantra about advice.... "Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey." It is from the book The Ten Thousand.
6.) I sleep naked, sometimes I blog naked, sometime I even cook naked or clean the house naked! I do this because even though I am not happy with my body right now, (I have about 50-60 pounds I would love to lose) I still have between 70 to 80 pounds that are GONE for good, and I am working on being comfortable in my own skin, NOTHING but my own skin. I spent so many years feeling so completely disgusting, that I am trying to relearn just being okay with being naked alone!! Getting used to walking around the house naked makes it easier for me to get up out of bed with HIM and just walk to the bedroom door without feeling the need to cover myself from head to toe so HE doesn't see me!
Okay, that was six things, and now in the spirit of the whole "gorgeous" award, here is a picture of me in a moment that I felt beautiful....
There are pictures of me that I LOOK better in, but that was a WONDERFUL day, and I FELT beautiful that day! *smile*
Now I have to pick seven bloggers that I think are gorgeous... Hmmmm... I will be back with that part of the assignment.... That's all for now, Bye!!!
I have been very lonely for a few days. More so than usual.
My son went on a trip with his NJROTC group to a local military base. He has been gone since Wednesday morning, and didn't get home until about eight o'clock last night. He was exhausted, and ate, went to sleep, and was up and gone to church before I ever crawled out of bed this morning.
HE has been out of town working. HE visited Wednesday night after work for about an hour of hand holding and cuddling before HE had to head home and get some sleep because HE was heading out of town for work early the next morning. HE is still out of town. HE works very long hours, and is often gone for a week or more at a time, and when HE is gone I miss HIM. Terribly. (When I refer to HIM as being out of town, what I mean by that is that HE is not with me, nor is HE at HIS home with HIS wife. HE lives in a town about an hour and a half away from me.)
HE has been calling me, HE always does, as often as possible. If HE has five minutes during work, HE calls. On HIS way from the plant to the motel HE calls. HE showers, eats, and calls. We have more conversation on HIS out of town trips than we do when HE is here spending the nights with me. But, I still miss HIM like crazy.
Anyway, so that is where I have been. Missing the two men in my life terribly! My son, and HIM. And feeling well, BLAH!
And then I logged on to my blog and got a wonderful surprise! *insert a HUGE SMILEY FACE HERE*
I was awarded a Gorgeous Blogger Award.
If I had posted pictures of myself and received this award it probably would not have meant nearly as much to me. But I haven't, at least none where you see my face. So, that means someone thinks my "soul" is gorgeous! Because that is what people see when they read my blog. They see my soul. And I am honored to receive this! THANK YOU, SUE!!! You have made my day!
I feel even more honored because it came from someone whose soul I think is beautiful based on the little bit of her life and thought processes I have seen reading her blog.
I have never gotten a blog award before, so I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it. I read her page and it seems that I am supposed to tell six random things about myself... hmm... okay...
1.) I grew up in Los Angeles, lived for far too long in Iowa, and finally have ended up in North Carolina. I like it here, I think I will stay.
2.) I have three living children. I am however a mother of five. I suffered a midterm miscarriage with my first child, and my 11 year old is the survivor of a set of identical twins. My daughter passed away when she was two days old. You can read the story here. I have had a few other VERY early term miscarriages. They were so early that the pregnancy was not confirmed by a doctor, only a home test, and by the time I got to the doctor, the pregnancy had already spontaneously ended. I struggle sometimes how to answer when people ask the question of "How many kids" I have.
3.) I love cheesecake! Strawberry cheesecake! (yes, I needed to try to lighten the mood a bit)
4.) I love pampering the man in my life, and I have found that the more I pamper HIM, the more HE wants to pamper me! I wish I had learned this trick much earlier in life. I always thought men wanted a self-reliant, self-confident, strong EQUAL! I mean, that is what all the women projected in the 80's when I was an impressionable young girl. BE STRONG, BE INDEPENDENT. Who knew that the man that I would fall in love with would be the one who wants me to be the feminine little flower I have always wanted to be treated like! I like having my doors opened for me! I like that HE wants to lead, because deep down, I want to follow! And by having such clearly defined masculine/feminine roles in our relationship, we both get exactly what we want. I adore HIM, and because of my adoration, HE in turn adores me! WIN/WIN!
5.) I give GREAT advice to other people, but I am HORRIBLE at accepting advice from others. I know this. But I seem powerless to change it. And I recently found a quote that I now use as my mantra about advice.... "Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey." It is from the book The Ten Thousand.
6.) I sleep naked, sometimes I blog naked, sometime I even cook naked or clean the house naked! I do this because even though I am not happy with my body right now, (I have about 50-60 pounds I would love to lose) I still have between 70 to 80 pounds that are GONE for good, and I am working on being comfortable in my own skin, NOTHING but my own skin. I spent so many years feeling so completely disgusting, that I am trying to relearn just being okay with being naked alone!! Getting used to walking around the house naked makes it easier for me to get up out of bed with HIM and just walk to the bedroom door without feeling the need to cover myself from head to toe so HE doesn't see me!
Okay, that was six things, and now in the spirit of the whole "gorgeous" award, here is a picture of me in a moment that I felt beautiful....
There are pictures of me that I LOOK better in, but that was a WONDERFUL day, and I FELT beautiful that day! *smile*
Now I have to pick seven bloggers that I think are gorgeous... Hmmmm... I will be back with that part of the assignment.... That's all for now, Bye!!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Lies We Tell Ourselves...
Okay, so I started rereading my "old" blog. It really was a good thing for me back then, to blog. I am hoping that it is a good thing for me now, as well. But, I also see, looking back, how much I lied to myself (and my readers) especially in the beginning. Hell, my first few posts (about my relationship with my now ex-husband) were so much happy horseshit that I wanted to gag when I reread them.
Back then, I was trying to convince myself and anyone who would listen that I was okay. That my marriage was okay. But reading it now you see how quickly my marriage dissolved once I started to gain some of myself again. (After the night I spoke with HIM and decided that I didn't want to die.)
But even in my anger, I was still protecting my husband. Or myself. Or maybe both of us.
I didn't admit to the physical abuse in our marriage. In fact, I even denied it in at least one post. I think that I told that lie for a few reasons.
One was, I was ashamed.
Two was, even though I thought I wanted out of my marriage, I was still trying to fix it, and admitting to the physical abuse seemed like the step I couldn't come back from.
Three was, he is the father of my children, and while I was hurt, and scared and angry, and was verbal about those feelings, I did not want to admit that the man I chose to father my children would do THAT.
Four was, I had spent so many years "protecting" my husband from the consequences of the choices he made, that I was still protecting him. We had family friends that read my blog. I was trying to reach out to them in my pain, but could not find it within myself to be completely honest about how bad it was.
Five was, I did not want to admit to HIM that I was being physically abused. I was honest to a fault about everything else. But I was afraid HE would think less of me knowing I had accepted 14 years of mental, emotional AND physical abuse. I thought it made me look weak.
I am no longer ashamed of that. It was NOT MY FAULT. It was not my brokenness . It was my husband's broken soul that caused him to abuse me. It was his failure as a man that he abused me, not my failure as a woman.
What IS my fault, is that I started my affair, at least the EMOTIONAL affair before I left my marriage for good. I take all the blame for that. But I was HONEST about that with my husband.
I have been writing about the back story, and I will continue to do that. But for those of you with a lot of time on your hands who want to see a LOT of it played out in real time, you can feel free to visit my old blog and read all about it.
I have promised myself to be more honest this time around.
When I have a feeling I will feel it. Out in the open. ALL of it.
I got better about that in my old blog as I grew INTO ME, but then I had to start censuring myself again because my husband was regularly reading my blog and using it to hurt me, track my life, cyber-stalk me.
My ex doesn't know about THIS blog. I used a different email account. This one is just for me. I have told My MM (Married Man) that I am blogging again. HE used to follow my blog daily. But, I told HIM I don't want HIM reading this one. This one is for me, if I thought HE was reading it, I would probably not be as honest as I can be knowing that HE is not.
HE will respect that.
And so, in order for me to get completely honest with not only you, my readers, but also MYSELF, to claim back that part of me I lost while lying about the physical abuse I suffered, I want to say...
I WAS AN ABUSED WOMAN.
I MADE MISTAKES, BUT NOTHING I DID MADE IT OKAY FOR MY HUSBAND TO BEAT ME.
HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME, IT WAS HIS JOB AS A MAN, AS MY HUSBAND TO PROTECT ME. AND RATHER THAN DO THAT, HE USED HIS STRENGTH TO HURT ME... MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
Here are some pictures that were taken after the last time he abused me. The bruises were more than five days old by the time these were taken. I will not protect him from what he has done anymore. I do not care if you think he was a bad man. He was. He is. Because he is still unwilling to accept responsibility for what he did to me.
>
>
>
These are NOT the worst it has ever been, this is a very mild example of what happened to me regularly in my marriage. By the time those photos were taken the bruises on my neck from him choking me were too faded to photograph. My son took those photos. It was his idea. He said he wanted me to have proof of what his dad did to me. That makes me sad.
That's all, Goodnight.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Again...
I have been suffering through another bout of insomnia tonight, thankfully they are rare these days. There was a year or so that I hardly slept at all, and I do not look forward to ever experiencing that again. But I have spent a big chunk of tonight re-reading my old blog, and I found this post, and I was reminded, that i still feel this way sometimes.. so here it is again...
Thursday, December 13, 2007
For the record...
It is no body's fault. I am just having one of those days. My emotions are all over the place. There is no reasoning, no rationale behind it, just pure unadulterated emotion. No excuses, no asking forgiveness, no explanation. Just me, raw, undeserving, uncaring, wildly swinging at anyone and anything that gets in the way. Sucker punching, back stabbing, angry momma cat fighting. If you need to forgive me, do it! If you don't want to, then fucking don't. I don't care. I care too much. That is my weakness. I let you get in my head. I let you get in my heart. i let myself be torn again and again until the very core of me screams, stop! But you can't. And I can't. And we go on and on until one or both of us breaks. Until all the shattered pieces of me collapse in a pile at your feet and kiss you, and beg you to put me back together again. And will you? Will you, then? When I am on my knees, completely at your mercy? Will you see me for what I am? Scared, and alone, and loving, and battered, and bruised, and in need of a warm safe place to lay my head and just be me for awhile? And will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for just one person in this world? Just one special person who will see me and finally say to themselves... she is the one? Do I ever get that? And do you understand any of this? Cause i don't, I don't understand it. i just live it, feel it, breathe it, drown in it.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
For the record...
It is no body's fault. I am just having one of those days. My emotions are all over the place. There is no reasoning, no rationale behind it, just pure unadulterated emotion. No excuses, no asking forgiveness, no explanation. Just me, raw, undeserving, uncaring, wildly swinging at anyone and anything that gets in the way. Sucker punching, back stabbing, angry momma cat fighting. If you need to forgive me, do it! If you don't want to, then fucking don't. I don't care. I care too much. That is my weakness. I let you get in my head. I let you get in my heart. i let myself be torn again and again until the very core of me screams, stop! But you can't. And I can't. And we go on and on until one or both of us breaks. Until all the shattered pieces of me collapse in a pile at your feet and kiss you, and beg you to put me back together again. And will you? Will you, then? When I am on my knees, completely at your mercy? Will you see me for what I am? Scared, and alone, and loving, and battered, and bruised, and in need of a warm safe place to lay my head and just be me for awhile? And will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for just one person in this world? Just one special person who will see me and finally say to themselves... she is the one? Do I ever get that? And do you understand any of this? Cause i don't, I don't understand it. i just live it, feel it, breathe it, drown in it.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Back Story part three
Okay, so there I was. In my marriage. Miserable. Suicidal. And now spending a lot of time online with a man who spent HIS time making me laugh, telling me I am smart, and funny and wonderful.
And I crawled out of the hole I had been burying myself in for all those years. And day by day, I grew stronger. And day by day I found MYSELF again.
I started smiling.
I started laughing.
I started wanting to get up in the mornings.
And my husband didn't mind.
In fact, he encouraged it.
In fact, he is the reason HE and I took our relationship from the computer to the phone.
That was something I NEVER would have done on my own, and something HE had not asked for.
One day, a few weeks into our renewed online friendship, I was sitting there chit-chatting with HIM. We were just killing time, talking about everything, about nothing. My husband came up behind me, and scared me. (That was one of his favorite things to do, to jump out at me from dark corners, sneak up behind me and scream to make me jump, to watch the blood drain from my face in fear, and he would laugh...)
After he stopped laughing at the tears standing in my eyes from him making me jump in fear of him, he told me to get off the computer. He wanted to check his email.
I said NO.
I told him that I was talking to HIM.
And I said that I wasn't going to get off just because he had finally decided to crawl from bed and expected the world to cater to his desires. I was really pushing my limits with him, but the tears still in my eyes made me ANGRY.
Instead of getting mad at me, what he said was, "have HIM call you, or you call HIM."
I was shocked.
I thought he was joking.
He said he didn't care if we talked, but that we were using the computer too much, and that he was GOING TO take the computer for the day, so "Call HIM."
I told HIM what he said. HE was skeptical too.
But HE called. As soon as I answered the phone HE asked to speak with my husband.
They chatted for a few minutes, (remember, we ALL were chat friends originally) and HE asked my husband if he was sure he was okay with us talking on the phone. My husband's response was "The more you talk to the bitch, the less I have to."
That decided it for HIM. HE said to my husband, "Okay brother, let me talk to her then."
And my husband handed me the phone, and I went to my room, and shut the door, and spent the next hour talking to HIM, letting the sound of HIS voice fill me, hearing HIM smile, feeling HIS laugh tickle me as the speaker vibrated in my ear from the tones of HIS voice.
And that was the day our friendship started to change a little bit, for ME. HE didn't do or say anything HE shouldn't have. Made no romantic gestures, HE was who HE always was. Kind. Funny. Smart. Interested in me and what I had to say. But, there was something that happened in my tummy whenever HE said my name. There was a tingle I felt inside my chest when I heard HIS laugh.
And I didn't say a word about feeling like that, not to HIM, not to ANYONE.
I will write more later, for now.. That's all, Bye.
And I crawled out of the hole I had been burying myself in for all those years. And day by day, I grew stronger. And day by day I found MYSELF again.
I started smiling.
I started laughing.
I started wanting to get up in the mornings.
And my husband didn't mind.
In fact, he encouraged it.
In fact, he is the reason HE and I took our relationship from the computer to the phone.
That was something I NEVER would have done on my own, and something HE had not asked for.
One day, a few weeks into our renewed online friendship, I was sitting there chit-chatting with HIM. We were just killing time, talking about everything, about nothing. My husband came up behind me, and scared me. (That was one of his favorite things to do, to jump out at me from dark corners, sneak up behind me and scream to make me jump, to watch the blood drain from my face in fear, and he would laugh...)
After he stopped laughing at the tears standing in my eyes from him making me jump in fear of him, he told me to get off the computer. He wanted to check his email.
I said NO.
I told him that I was talking to HIM.
And I said that I wasn't going to get off just because he had finally decided to crawl from bed and expected the world to cater to his desires. I was really pushing my limits with him, but the tears still in my eyes made me ANGRY.
Instead of getting mad at me, what he said was, "have HIM call you, or you call HIM."
I was shocked.
I thought he was joking.
He said he didn't care if we talked, but that we were using the computer too much, and that he was GOING TO take the computer for the day, so "Call HIM."
I told HIM what he said. HE was skeptical too.
But HE called. As soon as I answered the phone HE asked to speak with my husband.
They chatted for a few minutes, (remember, we ALL were chat friends originally) and HE asked my husband if he was sure he was okay with us talking on the phone. My husband's response was "The more you talk to the bitch, the less I have to."
That decided it for HIM. HE said to my husband, "Okay brother, let me talk to her then."
And my husband handed me the phone, and I went to my room, and shut the door, and spent the next hour talking to HIM, letting the sound of HIS voice fill me, hearing HIM smile, feeling HIS laugh tickle me as the speaker vibrated in my ear from the tones of HIS voice.
And that was the day our friendship started to change a little bit, for ME. HE didn't do or say anything HE shouldn't have. Made no romantic gestures, HE was who HE always was. Kind. Funny. Smart. Interested in me and what I had to say. But, there was something that happened in my tummy whenever HE said my name. There was a tingle I felt inside my chest when I heard HIS laugh.
And I didn't say a word about feeling like that, not to HIM, not to ANYONE.
I will write more later, for now.. That's all, Bye.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friends...
Okay, so I was reading a post by Jenn (An amazingly beautiful young woman whose blog I stumbled upon the same night I started blogging again), about being lonely and how hard it is to make friends as a "grown-up". It really hit home with me. I have lived here in this town for 16 months, and have only ONE real female friend here. I have made other friendships, but they only seem to last until I no longer have day to day contact with the other person. Then, nothing.
HE is my best friend, and I think that may be part of my problem. It is hard for me to make plans with other people, because I rarely get much advance notice on when HE will be coming into town. HIS work takes HIM on the road quite often, and HE is sometimes here in my town for several days a week, and sometimes gone to some other state for a couple of weeks. So I find myself not making plans, for fear that I will have to cancel them, or give up time with HIM to keep them.
Also, I tend to form better friendships with men than with women, and find that since I am "committed" to HIM, I do not want to spend time with my male friends. Not that there is anything of a sexual nature happening with my male friends, but because of the message of "availability" that they may misinterpret by me "hanging out" too much.
HE has NEVER asked me to not go out and have fun. In fact, HE encourages me to have a social life. HE knows that I get lonely when HE is gone. But, I also know how sad it would make HIM to get time with me, only to have me say that I "have other plans" and can't spend that time with HIM.
HIS best male friend (and his wife), recently moved away from the town in which I live. HE often told me to contact HIS friend's wife and "befriend" her when they lived here. HIS friend and friend's wife know all about our relationship. We kept planning on all of us getting together sometime for formal introductions, but HE and I tend to be jealous of our limited time together and choose to not share it with anyone but each other and the kids.
I made friends with HIS buddy's wife online, but though she and I talked of getting together for coffee, we never made it happen, and now she is moved, and it is too late.
I guess, even knowing that they know all about me, and she always being nice, I still worried that perhaps she thought badly of me, for my relationship with HIM. She has met HIS wife, and I was afraid that it would be uncomfortable.
It wasn't until after she had moved that she told me that she hoped I would "hold on". That I would be able to stick it out until HE saw what she saw, that I am the woman who makes HIM happy. That I am the woman HE can't stop talking about to HIS own best friend. That I am the woman that HE says is amazing, wonderful, beautiful, HIS love, HIS passion. She says HE has never spoken of HIS wife like that. She said that HE states over and over that I am the woman HE loves. She thinks I am "good" for HIM, because HE is never so happy as when HE finds out HE gets to spend time with me.
I wish I had known she felt that way before she moved. I wish I had known that she was willing to accept me with open arms. I would have had a friend.
I was afraid to meet HIS friends. I was afraid they would not accept me. I guess I was wrong, and next time HE wants me to meet HIS friends, I will go, with a smile, in hopes that they will become my friends also.
Until then, I will keep HIM as my BEST friend. I will make more of an effort to spend time with my ONE good female friend that I have made here. I will make an effort to meet more people. I will agree to that cup of coffee or that lunch with my male friends. And I will make plans, without knowing when HE will turn up. And I will not break my plans for HIM. HE will have to wait at my house until I get done. I have waited enough for HIM. HE loves me, HE will understand.
That's all, goodnight!
HE is my best friend, and I think that may be part of my problem. It is hard for me to make plans with other people, because I rarely get much advance notice on when HE will be coming into town. HIS work takes HIM on the road quite often, and HE is sometimes here in my town for several days a week, and sometimes gone to some other state for a couple of weeks. So I find myself not making plans, for fear that I will have to cancel them, or give up time with HIM to keep them.
Also, I tend to form better friendships with men than with women, and find that since I am "committed" to HIM, I do not want to spend time with my male friends. Not that there is anything of a sexual nature happening with my male friends, but because of the message of "availability" that they may misinterpret by me "hanging out" too much.
HE has NEVER asked me to not go out and have fun. In fact, HE encourages me to have a social life. HE knows that I get lonely when HE is gone. But, I also know how sad it would make HIM to get time with me, only to have me say that I "have other plans" and can't spend that time with HIM.
HIS best male friend (and his wife), recently moved away from the town in which I live. HE often told me to contact HIS friend's wife and "befriend" her when they lived here. HIS friend and friend's wife know all about our relationship. We kept planning on all of us getting together sometime for formal introductions, but HE and I tend to be jealous of our limited time together and choose to not share it with anyone but each other and the kids.
I made friends with HIS buddy's wife online, but though she and I talked of getting together for coffee, we never made it happen, and now she is moved, and it is too late.
I guess, even knowing that they know all about me, and she always being nice, I still worried that perhaps she thought badly of me, for my relationship with HIM. She has met HIS wife, and I was afraid that it would be uncomfortable.
It wasn't until after she had moved that she told me that she hoped I would "hold on". That I would be able to stick it out until HE saw what she saw, that I am the woman who makes HIM happy. That I am the woman HE can't stop talking about to HIS own best friend. That I am the woman that HE says is amazing, wonderful, beautiful, HIS love, HIS passion. She says HE has never spoken of HIS wife like that. She said that HE states over and over that I am the woman HE loves. She thinks I am "good" for HIM, because HE is never so happy as when HE finds out HE gets to spend time with me.
I wish I had known she felt that way before she moved. I wish I had known that she was willing to accept me with open arms. I would have had a friend.
I was afraid to meet HIS friends. I was afraid they would not accept me. I guess I was wrong, and next time HE wants me to meet HIS friends, I will go, with a smile, in hopes that they will become my friends also.
Until then, I will keep HIM as my BEST friend. I will make more of an effort to spend time with my ONE good female friend that I have made here. I will make an effort to meet more people. I will agree to that cup of coffee or that lunch with my male friends. And I will make plans, without knowing when HE will turn up. And I will not break my plans for HIM. HE will have to wait at my house until I get done. I have waited enough for HIM. HE loves me, HE will understand.
That's all, goodnight!
Scared...
Okay, so HE came to spend the night on Thursday. It was a horrible night. Not because of HIM, but because of my kids. They were simply pushing every button I possess.
My youngest was loud and whiny. My middle child refused to listen, choosing to ignore me telling her time and again to go to bed. And my oldest went to run an errand and decided to stay gone for over 3 hours for something that should have taken 30 minutes. I was ready to pull my hair out, and started crying.
HE was wonderful as usual. Stepping back and letting me handle things in my own way, only saying anything when HE felt that my kids were out of line and speaking to me disrespectfully. HE is not their father, and so HE tries very hard to not "parent" my children. But, occasionally, the fact that HE is the "male head of our family" is more obvious than at other times, and my son speaking disrespectfully to me is one of those times. HE does not hesitate to speak up then. And I appreciate it. BUT, and here is a big BUT... I am not sure that I have done the right thing in allowing HE and my children to form such a bond.
My children love HIM, and HE loves them. They give and receive hugs and kisses when HE walks in the door before I do. They all say goodnight with a hug and an "I love you".
As we sat eating dinner together that night, one of my children was singing at the table. I asked her to stop, she did not. HE said to her, "We are trying to have a nice family dinner. Singing at the table makes it hard for OUR family to be able to talk to each other, and we want to hear about what is going on in everyone's lives, not listen to your singing."
I was floored.
OUR family?
*sigh*
It scares me.
It scares me because HE and they are so damned attached to each other. And I have no clue where this relationship is heading.
My 11 year old daughter even once hinted to HIM that she would like it if HE would walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Granted, something like that is so far in the future that I shouldn't even give it a second thought right now, but, it makes me fear for what consequences my relationship with HIM will have on my children when I am no longer in this relationship.
HE has been more of a "father" to them than their own father was in all the years we were together as a family. HE plays with them. HE talks with them. HE listens to them. HE provides for them, as much as I will allow HIM to. (We woke up extra early Friday morning because my youngest seems to have no matching socks left, and so we ran to the store at 5:30 in the morning so HE could buy her some socks before school.) HE loves them. They love HIM.
And I am scared.
That's all for now. Goodbye.
My youngest was loud and whiny. My middle child refused to listen, choosing to ignore me telling her time and again to go to bed. And my oldest went to run an errand and decided to stay gone for over 3 hours for something that should have taken 30 minutes. I was ready to pull my hair out, and started crying.
HE was wonderful as usual. Stepping back and letting me handle things in my own way, only saying anything when HE felt that my kids were out of line and speaking to me disrespectfully. HE is not their father, and so HE tries very hard to not "parent" my children. But, occasionally, the fact that HE is the "male head of our family" is more obvious than at other times, and my son speaking disrespectfully to me is one of those times. HE does not hesitate to speak up then. And I appreciate it. BUT, and here is a big BUT... I am not sure that I have done the right thing in allowing HE and my children to form such a bond.
My children love HIM, and HE loves them. They give and receive hugs and kisses when HE walks in the door before I do. They all say goodnight with a hug and an "I love you".
As we sat eating dinner together that night, one of my children was singing at the table. I asked her to stop, she did not. HE said to her, "We are trying to have a nice family dinner. Singing at the table makes it hard for OUR family to be able to talk to each other, and we want to hear about what is going on in everyone's lives, not listen to your singing."
I was floored.
OUR family?
*sigh*
It scares me.
It scares me because HE and they are so damned attached to each other. And I have no clue where this relationship is heading.
My 11 year old daughter even once hinted to HIM that she would like it if HE would walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Granted, something like that is so far in the future that I shouldn't even give it a second thought right now, but, it makes me fear for what consequences my relationship with HIM will have on my children when I am no longer in this relationship.
HE has been more of a "father" to them than their own father was in all the years we were together as a family. HE plays with them. HE talks with them. HE listens to them. HE provides for them, as much as I will allow HIM to. (We woke up extra early Friday morning because my youngest seems to have no matching socks left, and so we ran to the store at 5:30 in the morning so HE could buy her some socks before school.) HE loves them. They love HIM.
And I am scared.
That's all for now. Goodbye.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Tired...
Okay, so my time not here was time I spent with HIM. HE was here Tuesday night. I know it is probably morally repugnant to many of you that I am happy while in the arms o f another woman's husband, but the truth of the matter is, that is when I am the most happy. NOT because HE is someone else's husband, but because I am in HIS arms. If I had my way, HE would NOT be married, at least not to someone other than me.
I know you probably are asking, why then do I stay? Well the answer is more complicated than a simple "I Love HIM.", though that certainly is a huge part of the equation. It is also because I am scared to be totally alone. It is because I lived for so long, being treated so poorly, that I have THRIVED in HIS affection and attention. I lost eighty pounds. (I didn't try, it just fell off with all the hatefulness being gone from my life. * and I will admit, sometimes it is as much as one hundred pounds, twenty of it still comes and goes *) I feel GREAT when I am with HIM. HE makes me feel like a beautiful woman, for the first time in a VERY LONG time. HE is my best friend. HE is my soul-mate. (I am sure some of you don't believe in soul-mates, but, I knew I loved HIM before I met HIM.) HE is the one person who I have been looking for my whole life. HE is my perfect match.
My brain tells me that I should not be in this relationship, but my heart yearns for HIM always. My brain says that if HE loved me even a fraction of as much as I love HIM, HE would be with me today and everyday for the rest of our lives, til death do us part. BUT, my heart knows that it is not THAT simple. HE has had a life with someone else for a very long time. HE has a family, children (one still at home), grandchildren. HE has a mortgage, car notes, bank accounts all tied up with HER. And HE has me (and my children).
HE heads two families, and HE tries hard to be there for all of us in both families. Is it right? Of course not. Neither of us would be willing to say that it is. But, it is how it is. For now.
I wish HE could just walk away. I think, that HE wishes that too. But HE feels HE has a duty to complete the raising of HIS child. HE feels honor bound to stay.
I do not want you to get the wrong idea. HE has never made me promises about the future. HE has never asked me to wait the three more years it will take until HIS youngest child reaches the age of majority. HE has even told me that HE still loves HIS wife. ( HE has said .. She is the mother of HIS children, she has been a good wife, a good mother, has done nothing WRONG, and that HE will not say HE doesn't love her, or say bad things about her. ** note ~ I would not ask HIM to say that. I understand how you can love someone and not be IN LOVE anymore.)
But, HE also says that HE loves me, that HE is in love with me, that HE wants me.
I asked HIM once, if HIS youngest were grown, and out of the house, if things would be different.
HE said, "Yes, I think they would. But it is not fair of me to ask you to wait that long."
Do I see the hesitation in that? YES, I do.
I think, that things would be different. But I see things you can not. I see the way HE looks at me. I see how HE reaches for me in HIS sleep. I hear how HE calls out for me in his dreams. (I keep telling HIM that will be how HE gets caught again, because HE so often talks to or about me while HE sleeps.) * Yes, I said AGAIN. Yes, I will someday explain. YES, it was me that HE got caught with * I see how his eyes water when HE leaves, I see how HIS face lights up when we see each other again, even if it has only been a few hours since we parted. Those are not things a heart can fake. If I had to rely only upon HIS words, I would not trust them. But I see, I feel, I hear the love, the IN LOVE.
*insert me laughing at myself here*
Yes, I am probably a fool.
Perhaps I see what I want to see.
Perhaps my heart yearns so much for HIM that I see what does not exist.
Maybe... time will tell.
Maybe I will get tired of waiting before I ever find out.
Maybe by the time HE knows for certain what HE wants, it will be too late.
I am tired.
It has been a long day.
He is coming back to me tonight.
That's all. Goodnight.
I know you probably are asking, why then do I stay? Well the answer is more complicated than a simple "I Love HIM.", though that certainly is a huge part of the equation. It is also because I am scared to be totally alone. It is because I lived for so long, being treated so poorly, that I have THRIVED in HIS affection and attention. I lost eighty pounds. (I didn't try, it just fell off with all the hatefulness being gone from my life. * and I will admit, sometimes it is as much as one hundred pounds, twenty of it still comes and goes *) I feel GREAT when I am with HIM. HE makes me feel like a beautiful woman, for the first time in a VERY LONG time. HE is my best friend. HE is my soul-mate. (I am sure some of you don't believe in soul-mates, but, I knew I loved HIM before I met HIM.) HE is the one person who I have been looking for my whole life. HE is my perfect match.
My brain tells me that I should not be in this relationship, but my heart yearns for HIM always. My brain says that if HE loved me even a fraction of as much as I love HIM, HE would be with me today and everyday for the rest of our lives, til death do us part. BUT, my heart knows that it is not THAT simple. HE has had a life with someone else for a very long time. HE has a family, children (one still at home), grandchildren. HE has a mortgage, car notes, bank accounts all tied up with HER. And HE has me (and my children).
HE heads two families, and HE tries hard to be there for all of us in both families. Is it right? Of course not. Neither of us would be willing to say that it is. But, it is how it is. For now.
I wish HE could just walk away. I think, that HE wishes that too. But HE feels HE has a duty to complete the raising of HIS child. HE feels honor bound to stay.
I do not want you to get the wrong idea. HE has never made me promises about the future. HE has never asked me to wait the three more years it will take until HIS youngest child reaches the age of majority. HE has even told me that HE still loves HIS wife. ( HE has said .. She is the mother of HIS children, she has been a good wife, a good mother, has done nothing WRONG, and that HE will not say HE doesn't love her, or say bad things about her. ** note ~ I would not ask HIM to say that. I understand how you can love someone and not be IN LOVE anymore.)
But, HE also says that HE loves me, that HE is in love with me, that HE wants me.
I asked HIM once, if HIS youngest were grown, and out of the house, if things would be different.
HE said, "Yes, I think they would. But it is not fair of me to ask you to wait that long."
Do I see the hesitation in that? YES, I do.
I think, that things would be different. But I see things you can not. I see the way HE looks at me. I see how HE reaches for me in HIS sleep. I hear how HE calls out for me in his dreams. (I keep telling HIM that will be how HE gets caught again, because HE so often talks to or about me while HE sleeps.) * Yes, I said AGAIN. Yes, I will someday explain. YES, it was me that HE got caught with * I see how his eyes water when HE leaves, I see how HIS face lights up when we see each other again, even if it has only been a few hours since we parted. Those are not things a heart can fake. If I had to rely only upon HIS words, I would not trust them. But I see, I feel, I hear the love, the IN LOVE.
*insert me laughing at myself here*
Yes, I am probably a fool.
Perhaps I see what I want to see.
Perhaps my heart yearns so much for HIM that I see what does not exist.
Maybe... time will tell.
Maybe I will get tired of waiting before I ever find out.
Maybe by the time HE knows for certain what HE wants, it will be too late.
I am tired.
It has been a long day.
He is coming back to me tonight.
That's all. Goodnight.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Back Story part two
Okay, so for several years HE and I had no communication.
HE was living his life, and I was living mine.
I gave birth to my last child. (I have three living children, I am sure you will eventually come to know something about all of my children.)
I had reached a point in my marriage where I had given up. I had allowed myself to put on huge amounts of weight. I no longer made any effort to take care of myself.
I continued to lie to myself and anyone who would listen, stating time and again that I was "happy".
I was depressed. I was fat. I was being cheated on. I was being abused. I had decided to die.
I figured I had failed. I had always thought that if I couldn't make my marriage work, then I was a failure as a woman. I had, for 14 years, tried everything I could think of. I had tried to be the best wife/mother/housekeeper/lover/banker/doctor all the things that we women strive to be to make a household run smoothly and happily.
But I had failed as a wife, my husband not only didn't love me but made it known by his blatant whoring and public humiliation of me.
I had failed as a mother, my children were watching my dysfunctional relationship with their father and learning that that is how life is "supposed to be". My son learning to disrespect women, my daughters learning that as women they should allow themselves to be disrespected.
I failed as a housekeeper, my house was always in a constant state of chaos. I worked too many hours outside of the home to keep up with the needs of the household. (Of course the husband being home ALL day and refusing to even throw away his empty cigarette packs or dump the ashtrays, or do a load of laundry, or wash a dish, or do ANYTHING to help contributed greatly to the housekeeping failure.)
I had failed as a lover, the husband telling me more than once that I was a "big, fat, nasty, rolly-polly, pig-bitch". (This was well before I put on the bulk of my weight! And shocking considering the fact that most of the women he cheated on me with were far larger than I ever was.) My sex life consisted of three or four (usually unsuccessful) attempts at fucking, per year for SEVERAL years. The husband most often could not maintain an erection, and would take to calling me names, or just getting up and walking away leaving me to cry myself to sleep while he went to masturbate to pornography.
I had failed as a banker, despite earning a decent wage and making enough money to not have to live in the slum we lived in, I could never manage to get ahead. I had worked all the overtime I could get my hands on, in an attempt to correct our credit, with an eye towards purchasing our own home. Of course I fixed the husbands credit first, at which point he got numerous credit cards that I knew nothing about and maxed them all out with no intention of telling me about his purchases! We ended up farther in debt than we had started out, and now MY credit was even worse because the "martial debt" was also MY debt!
I had failed as a doctor, my middle child had Asthma from infancy and my youngest had chronic ear infections, and had actually been thought to be deaf until she was almost six months old. (She had failed the hearing test at birth, and continued to fail them for months. Until one day she was tested and passed and suddenly started responding to sounds! Perhaps she was the smartest one of all, blocking out all those months of Daddy yelling at Mommy, and Mommy crying so much.)
So there I found myself.
A failure.
I had failed at life.
And I had decided to end it. I had a plan. A plan I choose not to discuss. But a plan none the less.
It was the day before my anniversary. A celebration of my failure. I was sitting at my computer, knowing that I had every intention of taking my own life the next evening. No one else knew. No one else cared.
And then.... I got an instant message.
I don't remember exactly what it said. It was somewhere along the lines of "Hi, I don't know if you remember me but..."
It was HIM.
Amazing HIM.
Wonderful HIM.
Caring HIM.
Funny HIM.
Sweet HIM.
And HE was for me that night, EVERYTHING.
We started talking. And in those long hours we spent that night, laughing (something I had thought I had forgotten how to do) and reintroducing ourselves to each other, HE saved my life.
As we both became tired, and had to say goodnight, HE asked me... "Will you be here tomorrow?"
And because of HIM, I was.
........
I need to get a few chores done. I need to go out and have a smoke. (I do NOT smoke in my house anymore!) I need to pee. And when I am done with those things, I will be back, but for now.. That's all.
HE was living his life, and I was living mine.
I gave birth to my last child. (I have three living children, I am sure you will eventually come to know something about all of my children.)
I had reached a point in my marriage where I had given up. I had allowed myself to put on huge amounts of weight. I no longer made any effort to take care of myself.
I continued to lie to myself and anyone who would listen, stating time and again that I was "happy".
I was depressed. I was fat. I was being cheated on. I was being abused. I had decided to die.
I figured I had failed. I had always thought that if I couldn't make my marriage work, then I was a failure as a woman. I had, for 14 years, tried everything I could think of. I had tried to be the best wife/mother/housekeeper/lover/banker/doctor all the things that we women strive to be to make a household run smoothly and happily.
But I had failed as a wife, my husband not only didn't love me but made it known by his blatant whoring and public humiliation of me.
I had failed as a mother, my children were watching my dysfunctional relationship with their father and learning that that is how life is "supposed to be". My son learning to disrespect women, my daughters learning that as women they should allow themselves to be disrespected.
I failed as a housekeeper, my house was always in a constant state of chaos. I worked too many hours outside of the home to keep up with the needs of the household. (Of course the husband being home ALL day and refusing to even throw away his empty cigarette packs or dump the ashtrays, or do a load of laundry, or wash a dish, or do ANYTHING to help contributed greatly to the housekeeping failure.)
I had failed as a lover, the husband telling me more than once that I was a "big, fat, nasty, rolly-polly, pig-bitch". (This was well before I put on the bulk of my weight! And shocking considering the fact that most of the women he cheated on me with were far larger than I ever was.) My sex life consisted of three or four (usually unsuccessful) attempts at fucking, per year for SEVERAL years. The husband most often could not maintain an erection, and would take to calling me names, or just getting up and walking away leaving me to cry myself to sleep while he went to masturbate to pornography.
I had failed as a banker, despite earning a decent wage and making enough money to not have to live in the slum we lived in, I could never manage to get ahead. I had worked all the overtime I could get my hands on, in an attempt to correct our credit, with an eye towards purchasing our own home. Of course I fixed the husbands credit first, at which point he got numerous credit cards that I knew nothing about and maxed them all out with no intention of telling me about his purchases! We ended up farther in debt than we had started out, and now MY credit was even worse because the "martial debt" was also MY debt!
I had failed as a doctor, my middle child had Asthma from infancy and my youngest had chronic ear infections, and had actually been thought to be deaf until she was almost six months old. (She had failed the hearing test at birth, and continued to fail them for months. Until one day she was tested and passed and suddenly started responding to sounds! Perhaps she was the smartest one of all, blocking out all those months of Daddy yelling at Mommy, and Mommy crying so much.)
So there I found myself.
A failure.
I had failed at life.
And I had decided to end it. I had a plan. A plan I choose not to discuss. But a plan none the less.
It was the day before my anniversary. A celebration of my failure. I was sitting at my computer, knowing that I had every intention of taking my own life the next evening. No one else knew. No one else cared.
And then.... I got an instant message.
I don't remember exactly what it said. It was somewhere along the lines of "Hi, I don't know if you remember me but..."
It was HIM.
Amazing HIM.
Wonderful HIM.
Caring HIM.
Funny HIM.
Sweet HIM.
And HE was for me that night, EVERYTHING.
We started talking. And in those long hours we spent that night, laughing (something I had thought I had forgotten how to do) and reintroducing ourselves to each other, HE saved my life.
As we both became tired, and had to say goodnight, HE asked me... "Will you be here tomorrow?"
And because of HIM, I was.
........
I need to get a few chores done. I need to go out and have a smoke. (I do NOT smoke in my house anymore!) I need to pee. And when I am done with those things, I will be back, but for now.. That's all.
The Back Story part one
Okay, so I have been in this twisted relationship for 11 years.
Wait! It is NOT as bad as it sounds!
Let me explain.
I met him 11 years ago. Online. In a chat room. Just two people being nice. Nothing but idle chit chat. Nothing over any lines. I was married then, he knew it, but never told me that he was. Really, it didn't matter, because we were just chat buddies. Laughing over silliness together, enjoying each others company, but nothing too serious, nothing too personal. After about 6 months we exchanged pictures. I sent him the only picture I had, a picture of me holding my nephew, a few years out of date. He sent me a picture of himself with his son, but as he never discussed a wife, I figured he was divorced. Though again it was of no consequence either way at that time.
We stayed chat buddies for awhile. I introduced him to my husband. They chatted occasionally. But, I will admit, I kept his picture in my email. I kept it because I loved his smile, his eyes. Just looking at him made my tummy flip flop. But it was just a really nice picture of a sweet man with a really beautiful smile. That's all.
Then one drunken night, we were all (he, my husband and I) chatting together and he made a comment about being lonely overseas. My husband actually suggested that I "cyber" him to help him with his "loneliness".
Perhaps here is where I should explain that I was in a very emotionally and often physically abusive marriage. I was very unhappy. Very lonely. Very ALONE. And usually took my husbands suggestions as orders, so as not to upset him.
My husband left the room, closed the door, and left me alone with a man who was far away and who told me I was beautiful, and smart, and funny, and all the things that any woman wants to hear, and especially one in that kind of hell. And he was safe. Far away. Never a threat. Always kind, and I allowed myself to become someone else for a little while, and say things to him that I would never have had the ability to say if I hadn't been drinking, if he hadn't been just some words on a screen.
And it was nice. Very nice. For one night.
And the next day I told him that I was uncomfortable, and could not do it again. And he was so kind, and said that he never wanted me to feel a moments discomfort from our friendship. And he NEVER went back to that night. Never brought it up. Never treated me differently. Just was my friend.
And we stayed friends.
And I enjoyed his company. A Lot.
And then September 11th happened.
And I was in the Midwest and was safe.
And he was in the military and was being sent somewhere overseas to do God knows what, God knows where. And one day, he asked. If he could call me.
He said that he just wanted to hear my voice. Just once. And he would not ask again.
And I let him.
He called and we spoke very briefly. Probably less than five minutes. I didn't find out til much, much later that he was calling me from overseas. An International call to someone you have known only online, only as a friend? I would have never guessed it.
And I got an email from him. Once. After that day. thanking me for allowing him to hear my voice. To hear me smile.
And then I didn't hear from him for what would turn out to be years.
During those years, I went through a few different computers.
When it came time to move files from one to another, and I was cleaning out all that was unnecessary, I transferred his photo to my new computer. Unable to bring myself to not ever see that smile again. That smile of a man I had never met. The smile that made my stomach knot, and my pulse to quicken slightly.
I don't know why.
I just knew I needed that picture.
Is it possible, that my soul already knew?
I don't have the answer to that.. and I am tired.
I will be back again, with more soon...
Until then... That's all.
Wait! It is NOT as bad as it sounds!
Let me explain.
I met him 11 years ago. Online. In a chat room. Just two people being nice. Nothing but idle chit chat. Nothing over any lines. I was married then, he knew it, but never told me that he was. Really, it didn't matter, because we were just chat buddies. Laughing over silliness together, enjoying each others company, but nothing too serious, nothing too personal. After about 6 months we exchanged pictures. I sent him the only picture I had, a picture of me holding my nephew, a few years out of date. He sent me a picture of himself with his son, but as he never discussed a wife, I figured he was divorced. Though again it was of no consequence either way at that time.
We stayed chat buddies for awhile. I introduced him to my husband. They chatted occasionally. But, I will admit, I kept his picture in my email. I kept it because I loved his smile, his eyes. Just looking at him made my tummy flip flop. But it was just a really nice picture of a sweet man with a really beautiful smile. That's all.
Then one drunken night, we were all (he, my husband and I) chatting together and he made a comment about being lonely overseas. My husband actually suggested that I "cyber" him to help him with his "loneliness".
Perhaps here is where I should explain that I was in a very emotionally and often physically abusive marriage. I was very unhappy. Very lonely. Very ALONE. And usually took my husbands suggestions as orders, so as not to upset him.
My husband left the room, closed the door, and left me alone with a man who was far away and who told me I was beautiful, and smart, and funny, and all the things that any woman wants to hear, and especially one in that kind of hell. And he was safe. Far away. Never a threat. Always kind, and I allowed myself to become someone else for a little while, and say things to him that I would never have had the ability to say if I hadn't been drinking, if he hadn't been just some words on a screen.
And it was nice. Very nice. For one night.
And the next day I told him that I was uncomfortable, and could not do it again. And he was so kind, and said that he never wanted me to feel a moments discomfort from our friendship. And he NEVER went back to that night. Never brought it up. Never treated me differently. Just was my friend.
And we stayed friends.
And I enjoyed his company. A Lot.
And then September 11th happened.
And I was in the Midwest and was safe.
And he was in the military and was being sent somewhere overseas to do God knows what, God knows where. And one day, he asked. If he could call me.
He said that he just wanted to hear my voice. Just once. And he would not ask again.
And I let him.
He called and we spoke very briefly. Probably less than five minutes. I didn't find out til much, much later that he was calling me from overseas. An International call to someone you have known only online, only as a friend? I would have never guessed it.
And I got an email from him. Once. After that day. thanking me for allowing him to hear my voice. To hear me smile.
And then I didn't hear from him for what would turn out to be years.
During those years, I went through a few different computers.
When it came time to move files from one to another, and I was cleaning out all that was unnecessary, I transferred his photo to my new computer. Unable to bring myself to not ever see that smile again. That smile of a man I had never met. The smile that made my stomach knot, and my pulse to quicken slightly.
I don't know why.
I just knew I needed that picture.
Is it possible, that my soul already knew?
I don't have the answer to that.. and I am tired.
I will be back again, with more soon...
Until then... That's all.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Just Another Day In Paradise...
Okay, so I have taken a very long time off of blogging. And now that I am back, I have started an all new blog, with a whole new spin. Why? Simple. Because my life has changed so much since I last blogged. And I have become something I never imagined I would be. I have become "The Other Woman".
It is not something I am proud of. It leaves me less than fulfilled. It leaves me feeling sad, and lonely, and "less than". It leaves me alone, and struggling to find my moral center again. So why do I keep doing it? Perhaps because I am weak. Perhaps because I keep hoping that he will wake up one day and realize that I am the woman he belongs with for the rest of his life. Perhaps because I am perfecting the art of denial. But mostly I think, because I love him, and i have never been any good at letting go of love.
Love is something I have always longed for, and never really known until HIM. Maybe I am fooling myself with that as well. I mean, if he REALLY loves me, he would be with me. Right?
I am often left feeling confused after spending time with him. I go over and over in my head why I choose to stay in this affair. It is not my nature to be what I have become. I am monogamous by nature, and I have always expected monogamy from my partners. I am morally conflicted. I feel like a thief. I steal from his wife. I steal his time, his affection, his passion, his compassion, his smiles, and anything else he offers me. I take them all gratefully, until he is gone again, and the shame hits me again. But, I know that every bit of himself that he gives to me, is less of himself he has to give to her. How horrible am I? How I would hate me, if I were her!
I know I want more. I want what he has never, nor will ever offer to me.
I need to let go, but I fear I do not have the strength to do it.
I am however taking small steps in the right direction.
I am here.
I am thinking.
I am trying to find myself again. (I amaze myself with how easily I lose myself in other people... a weakness I MUST learn to overcome.)
I will figure this out.
I will come out the other side of this, despite the ending, with my head held high, and having learned and grown from the experience.
That's all.....
It is not something I am proud of. It leaves me less than fulfilled. It leaves me feeling sad, and lonely, and "less than". It leaves me alone, and struggling to find my moral center again. So why do I keep doing it? Perhaps because I am weak. Perhaps because I keep hoping that he will wake up one day and realize that I am the woman he belongs with for the rest of his life. Perhaps because I am perfecting the art of denial. But mostly I think, because I love him, and i have never been any good at letting go of love.
Love is something I have always longed for, and never really known until HIM. Maybe I am fooling myself with that as well. I mean, if he REALLY loves me, he would be with me. Right?
I am often left feeling confused after spending time with him. I go over and over in my head why I choose to stay in this affair. It is not my nature to be what I have become. I am monogamous by nature, and I have always expected monogamy from my partners. I am morally conflicted. I feel like a thief. I steal from his wife. I steal his time, his affection, his passion, his compassion, his smiles, and anything else he offers me. I take them all gratefully, until he is gone again, and the shame hits me again. But, I know that every bit of himself that he gives to me, is less of himself he has to give to her. How horrible am I? How I would hate me, if I were her!
I know I want more. I want what he has never, nor will ever offer to me.
I need to let go, but I fear I do not have the strength to do it.
I am however taking small steps in the right direction.
I am here.
I am thinking.
I am trying to find myself again. (I amaze myself with how easily I lose myself in other people... a weakness I MUST learn to overcome.)
I will figure this out.
I will come out the other side of this, despite the ending, with my head held high, and having learned and grown from the experience.
That's all.....
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